


Even If We Can't Find Heaven

by K_AudreyLeto



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Related, F/F, retelling of canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-08-28 12:27:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 43,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8445820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K_AudreyLeto/pseuds/K_AudreyLeto
Summary: Raven and Abby share a moment on the Ark just before Raven launches the pod and it changes everything between them. This started out as a re-telling of Doctor Mechanic canon moments and turned into a complete story that revolves around Abby and Raven if they were a canon couple and the obstacles the face from others; but mostly each other. The majority of the story takes place throughout season two. Rated for later chapters.





	1. All Those Things I Didn't Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story takes place in the canon setting; the focus is mostly on Abby/Raven moments with some changes to actual scene. There are some scenes that are directly from the show; they’re mostly in there to either add onto or for timeline purposes. Also I didn’t watch season 3 so this ends with the season 2 ending.
> 
> Also each chapter is set to a different song on Rachel Platten’s album Wildfire. This is something I like to do and have several stories coming up that do this. I call it album fic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and quote is from the song Fight Song.

Raven was busy at work trying to get the pod ready for launch so when Abby burst into the room she nearly jumped out of her skin.

            “Jesus Abby warn a girl,” she teased but from her position inside the pod but she could tell that Abby was worried about something.

            “How soon can you get this thing ready to drop?”

Raven snorted, “I’m still scraping up parts to fabricate a pressure regulator… we got two more days right?” Abby shook her head and this time Raven stopped what she was doing. Her eyes landed on where the woman was standing. She was facing away from her so she couldn’t see her face but she could still tell there was something bothering her. They had spent hours and hours together in this room over the last eight days; and even though that wasn’t a lot of time… they had come to know each other and care for each other more than either of them would care to admit.

            “Can we launch without that part?”

Abby’s voice was a little shaky this time and Raven climbed out of the pod as she spoke, “we can launch… but we’ll be dead before we get to the ground, and I mean bad dead,” she continued to look at Abby but from this angle she could only see the side of her face; her arms were crossed over her chest and she knew there was something more going on. “Why what’s wrong, has something changed?”

Worried settled in her own stomach as she waited for Abby to answer and after a few beats of silence she finally did.

“Clarke’s wristband signal went out.” With that, Raven stepped closer and this time Abby turned and met her eyes.

“Yeah but that doesn’t mean anything right? She took it off like the rest of them.” She placed her hand on Abby’s forearm. The action caused the woman to release her arms from the tight hold she had across her chest; letting Raven’s hand slide down her arm and meet her own hand. Raven ran her thumb across the back of Abby’s hand and looked deep into her eyes; in them she saw fear and dread. Raven nodded. “Okay, I can get a pressure regulator, today,” she turned and grabbed her jacket.

“How?” Abby’s voice was small and scared, Raven shot her a wink.

“The less you know the better.”

/

The next time Abby saw her was later that day; she was dealing with a long line of sick patients when she noticed Raven at the end of the line; she motioned for her to come over and she pretended to check Raven’s vitals.

            “Okay, come with me,” the other patients were annoyed but neither woman seemed to have paid them any attention as they continued into the clinic. Once inside, Abby turned to Raven. Her heart was pounding in her chest for more reasons than the hope she was feeling that Raven had gotten the part; reasons she had no intention of dealing with… not today and hopefully never.

“All those people out there,” Raven had sadness in her tone; as if she knew the answer before Abby gave it.

She gave it anyway.

“Oxygen deprivation, it’s just the beginning… why are you here?” She asked desperately.

“I messed up, I can’t get the part… Nigel wants me to-”

“You went to Nigel?” Abby was surprised even though Kane had been trying to get that woman for years.

“Yeah but I won’t… she wants to…”

“She wants you to what?” Abby cut her off again.

“She wants to like pimp me out, to her friends… her connections.”

“What?” Abby’s tone was a mixture of anger and shock. “Ew… gross.”

“Yeah… and I refused to sleep with anyone for anything Abby,” the woman nodded because she wouldn’t expect her to.

She certainly wouldn’t want her to.

And she was really fucking pissed off that Nigel or anyone for that matter had expected her to.  

“That bitch,” she whispered but Raven heard it and she couldn’t help but feel better about things. She was pretty sure Abby wouldn’t have wanted her to sleep with someone for it; but it warmed her heart to know that she was just as mad as Raven had been. Her heart soared when Abby became angry about it.

Meanwhile, Abby pushed her anger aside as worry set in. “Did anybody see you?”

“I don’t know… no, but Abby I’m trying to tell you… we can’t launch today.”

“Are you sure Nigel has the part?”

Raven shook her head no as if she were unsure but her words were a contrast, “she can get one, I know she can.”

“I’ll take care of it,” Abby walked past her toward the door and Raven turned as well.

“What are you gonna do?” Raven’s voice was shaky, Abby wasn’t about to sleep with someone for the part… _was she?_

“The less you know the better,” and with that Abby was gone.

No-  Raven told herself- She wouldn’t do that either she decided as she made her way back to Mecha station and the pod to await Abby’s return.

* * *

 

Raven was sitting in the pod waiting for Abby to return- hopefully with the part and hopefully without having done what Nigel wanted done. She was lost in her thoughts (worries) about the idea of Abby selling herself to some dude and anger was boiling inside of her when Abby burst into the room and handed her the part.

            “How did you… you didn’t um,” Raven licked her lips. How was she going to ask this without sounding jealous? “Um… you didn’t sleep with anyone did you?” Abby’s lip curled up in disgust before a small smile played on her lips as she shook her head no.

            “No, Raven… I would never,” she answered and Raven breathed a sigh of relief and she began to wonder what the hell that smile was all about. Abby’s words brought her back to the present. “I um, gave her something else.”

            “Do I want to know?” As she asked the question Abby was already shaking her head no; so instead of pushing it she grabbed the part and went straight to work. Abby didn’t have sex to get it and that was all that mattered. If she thought too hard why that mattered so much to her; she would’ve probably done something stupid and reveal her very new and very scary feelings for Abby… to Abby. So instead she focused on her work.

            “How long will it take to install it?”

            “An hour… maybe two,” was her response and Abby blew out a puff of air. _That might be too long._ She thought and decided to keep it to herself so that Raven didn’t feel rushed.

/

About an hour later, Abby was pacing in the room while Raven worked.

            “Abby, how about I pace in the operating room next time you’re working?” Abby fought a smile; she knew she must be annoying her… but at this point, with all that she has risked, pacing was the only thing that was keeping her sane.

A beep on the tablet she had in her hand changed everything.

She pressed the button and Jackson’s face filled the screen.

“Abby, did you take morphine from the clinic?”

Panic passed through Abby’s eyes, “they inventoried already?”

“No… Kane was just here,” Jackson warned. “He’s on his way to Mecha to arrest both of you right now.” Raven stopped working and got out of the pod. She faced Abby who had turned off the tablet and was worrying her lip.

Raven looked her in the eyes, “You gave Nigel morphine?”

“She turned me in,” she said more to herself than Raven. “That bitch,” Raven could now hear the panic in her voice, as much as she could see it in her eyes. Abby moved closer to Raven. “How much longer?”

“Twenty minutes,” was Raven’s response. Her voice shook as she began to feel her own panic setting in.

“They’re gonna be here in five,” Abby heaved a heavy breath and there was a moment of silence between the two of them as Abby made a decision. “No matter what happens Raven, you launch that pod… do you understand?”

“I’m not going without you,” was Raven’s immediate response and it caused Abby’s heart to pang with her unrequited feelings.

If they had more time they might’ve thought too much about what those words meant… but in this moment; there were more pressing matters to deal with.

Abby closed the distance between them and met Raven’s eyes, “only one of us needs to get to the ground Raven. The second you find those kids, you radio back… three hundred innocent people will die if you don’t.” Raven swallowed hard as she could feel Abby’s fingers gently rubbing her shoulder; but then realization of Abby’s words has set in.

            “Don’t Abby,” her voice cracked on the words. Her voice sounded so small, so scared; Abby hadn’t seen this side of the girl yet. She continued, barely above a whisper, “they’ll float you.”

Abby took both of Raven’s hands into her own, “then they’ll float me,” her voice was also cracking as she too was choking up.

            “No!” Raven said brokenly as tears welled up in her eyes. She had never felt this way before. She couldn’t explain it, or understand it, but the prospect of Abby dying was too painful to even think about.

            “There is no other way… if I don’t distract them so you can get away, we’ll both be floated… and this way, at least you have a chance.”

            “But-”

            “We can’t argue about this Raven, we don’t have time… tell Clarke I love her, and…” her voice cracked on the sobbing she was holding back. “Please, please… be safe,” she gripped Raven by the shoulders and pulled her into a hug.

Abby was suddenly very aware of Raven’s body pressed against her own. Her skin, her breasts, the warm breath on the back of her neck… all the ways Raven was touching her was doing things to her body; making her feel things… things she hadn’t felt in years.

Things she definitely shouldn’t be feeling; especially not in a moment like this.

Raven felt it too; being held in Abby’s arms like this was the safest she had ever felt. Not even Finn had ever made her feel this protected, this attracted, this…

_Aroused?_

And then that warmth was gone; but when Abby’s warm hand came in contact with her damp cheek, she couldn’t help herself but to cover it with her own.

Abby’s bottom lip was quivering as she looked deep into those soulful brown eyes, “May we meet again,” her voice was hoarse from holding back her emotions but she couldn’t stop the tears that slid down her cheeks.

Abby turned away from Raven; intent to go stop Kane and the guard… to at least distract them long enough for Raven to launch. But as quickly as she turned away, she was harshly pulled back. She barely got a glimpse of Raven’s face before soft lips were pressing tenderly to hers.

She knew they shouldn’t be doing this right now; but with the chances of them both dying today… she really didn’t care.

She exhaled a breath that felt like she’d been holding forever and melted into the kiss.

Raven was warm; and as her strong arms slipped around her and held her tight she knew that Kane was about to catch them… that they were literally about to be caught; but she couldn’t stop.

Instead, she poked her tongue out and lightly flicked Raven’s upper lip; the girl responded by opening her mouth and deepened the kiss.

It felt like hours of sweet perfection but it was only just a moment and then Raven’s warmth was gone as she backed out of the kiss. Abby’s eyes flitted open and she saw those beautiful brown eyes alight with desire, and the tiniest glimpse of a smirk on her kiss swollen lips.

Abby felt dizzy.

            “May we meet again,” Raven husked and only then did she finally and fully let Abby go.

Abby’s legs were weak and her mind buzzed with unadulterated arousal as her feet numbly carried her out of the room; only looking away from Raven when she opened the door and stepped out.

            “Wow,” Raven whispered to herself as a full smile spread across her lips and her fingers traced where Abby’s lips had just been.

And then she filed it away as a perfect memory before she went back to work.

Abby was out there risking her life to make sure that she launched; and to make sure Clarke knew how much her mother loved her. Raven was going to make damn sure she did everything in her power to make it to Earth.

And it had nothing to do with the boy she thought was the love of her life… and everything to do with Abigail Griffin.

~

_“Like a small boat, on the ocean. Sending big waves into motion; like how a single word, can make a heart open. I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion.”_


	2. Can't You Feel the Way That Time Stops?

            “Did somebody call for a mechanic?” Raven’s voice called out as she knocked on the door in an area of Mecha station that she had never seen before; and until now she thought she had seen every part of the station.

Her wandering thoughts left her a moment later when the door swung open and there Abby stood; complete with steam billowing behind her. Raven raised her eyebrow with intrigue.

 _Am I dreaming?_ \- was her last thought before she woke up in a haze.

            “Raven,” Murphy’s voice rung through her head; she rolled her eyes at the sound and then groaned in pain… both from the bullet lodged in her back and from the intense ache pounding through her head. Thoughts of where she was and what had just happened flooded her memory.  The ring of fire seemed to have been a success but Raven couldn’t be sure because she couldn’t move and she kept going in and out of consciousness.

She had no idea how long it had been since Clarke and the others opened the door of the drop ship and stepped outside. All she knew was that she was stuck here- probably dying- with fucking Murphy of all people while she was conscious and a constant loop of dreaming about Abby while in delirium.

            “Raven- Raven… stay awake,” she heard Murphy’s mumbled tone and if she wasn’t already half way to dreamland already; she would’ve done it anyway just to spite him.

* * *

 

Raven was so angry at herself for being heard, she was usually much better at being stealthy but here she was with Dr. Griffin- a member of the council who had her fingers wrapped around her ankle, gently tugging her down from the ladder and into the room; she smirked as she raised her hands and turned toward Abby.

            “Apparently you have a thing for air ducts,” is what Abby said to her.

            “I’ll call security,” Jackson turned away from them toward the intercom.

            “They’re not dying,” Raven blurted out and gained the attention of both Jackson and Abby- who looked at her with a confused but interested expression written on her face.

            “What are you taking about?” She asked and Raven shot her a sideways glance before she looked over at the monitors that were keeping track of the hundred.

            “All that’s being sent from the ground?” Raven was curious, that much was obvious. Abby thought for a moment about whether or not she should trust this girl.

Quicker than even she thought it would take her she decided that Raven was definitely someone she could trust; she wasn’t just another kid… there was a lot more to her than that.

So Abby picked up one of the wrist bands that the hundred were all forced to wear and handed it to Raven. “Transmitted by these,” Raven looked it over and quickly and then met Abby’s eyes again. She fought a smirk.

            “They’re taking them off,” she told them and she tossed it back to Abby.

            “What?” Jackson piped in while Abby continued to look at Raven with something akin to admiration. “Why would they do something so reckless?”

Before he could finish asking the question; Abby with a smirk on her lips, knew the answer, “because we told them not to,” she and Raven locked eyes and neither of them could look away.  


/

Later that day; Abby called for a mechanic and asked her whether or not she could get the pod read for re-entry in ten days. Raven informed her that she could do it but on the condition that she could go too.

Abby reluctantly agreed.

On the first day, Abby joined Raven as the girl worked while on a break from the clinic.

            “I still can’t believe you think we can get this piece of crap ready for re-entry in only nine days,” Raven chuckled as she worked on the pod; the easiest fixable things being worked on first.

            “You said you can do it,” there was concern laced in Abby’s tone as well as the worry lines creasing her forehead.

            “Oh, I can…” Raven dragged the words out proudly. “I just can’t believe my own genius sometimes.”

Abby chuckled, “somebody thinks highly of herself.”

            “Well if I don’t, who will?” The comment was meant to be flippant; or at least that is how Raven intended it to be, but Abby could see there was a lot of truth and pain behind the girl’s sarcasm. She was intrigued and suddenly she wanted to learn as much as she possibly could about Raven Reyes.

As Raven worked; Abby took a seat on a stool across from the pod and watched her work; and as if Raven could read her mind she spoke, “so what made you come to me for help with this?”

            “Uh, I uh…” she stammered. She was caught; she just hoped that Raven couldn’t see her face blushing with embarrassment. She didn’t even know why she was suddenly embarrassed but she pushed it all aside and continued before Raven could notice her sudden awkwardness. “I mean, you uh… you figured out that they’re taking the bracelets off before anyone else would’ve even thought of that.”

            “So, I know how delinquents think, what does that have to do with anything?” Abby giggled and was glad that Raven seemed unaffected by her being flustered.

            “T-That’s what you did and then I looked at your file and-”

            “And you found out that I’m a genius,” Raven finished for her and Abby nodded even though she knew Raven couldn’t see her from this angle. “Makes sense I guess,” Raven continued more to herself but Abby was listening. “I am glad you picked me though because the thought of dying up here from my lungs exploding,” Abby withheld a smile at the gruesome thought because that is not exactly how it worked but she didn’t interrupt. “Is a much worse way to go than in a fiery explosion.”

            “If you say so,” Abby responded quietly and that caused Raven to look away from her task and around the pod to meet her eyes.

            “You don’t think so?”

            “Well no, I mean yeah I guess that would be quicker and better way to go but I’m hoping that there will be no dying at all.”

            “Yeah me too Abby,” and with the sound of her name she felt butterflies unlike anything she had felt in years and that threw her for a loop. “But we know the odds.”

It was silent for a few moments as Abby was lost in her internal freak out over what was happening to her body and the silence cause Raven to worry that she had scared her. “Hey,” her tone was soft and it brought Abby out of her own head. “We’ll make it,” Abby nodded as she worried her lip.

Raven knew Abby was suddenly upset and she thought it was because of her negativity; she had no idea it was something else entirely.

            “If anyone can survive falling out of the sky in a piece of crap metal death box it’s us,” with that Abby finally smiled. Raven felt better instantly and returned to her work.

One again Abby got stuck in her head and was very cognizant of her every move.

_What in the ever loving hell is happening to me?_

/

It was on the second day of working together on the pod- Abby snuck down to Mecha to help or at least keep Raven company whenever she could- that Abby and Raven first began to talk about their personal lives.

            “So how’d you meet Jake?” Raven asked after they had spent the better part of the last hour talking about how Abby had decided to become a doctor and how the training for that on the Ark worked. The question caught Abby off-guard.

She didn’t know Raven even knew who Jake was but then she shook her head in realization; engineers and mechanics often worked together.

            “Um… his mom and my mom were best friends,” Abby finally answered. Raven nodded with a sly grin.

            “I always liked him… I mean, I only met him a handful of times and never got the chance to actually work with him but the man was a genius,” Abby nodded absentmindedly and Raven knew she wasn’t really listening to her. She chastised herself mentally because talking about Jake must still be a very sore subject for the woman. “I-I’m sorry Abby,” she said softly and that broke Abby out of her reflection.

            “No it’s okay,” she waved her off. “It’s just can we… maybe, talk about something else?”

            “Sure Abs, I’m an open book,” once again Abby was thrown for a loop at the sound of the nickname. This time she handled it much better and quickly ignored the feelings it stirred up inside her.

            “Uh, tell me ab-about your, um… person.”

            “Huh?” Raven looked away from the nut she was tightening on the pod and looked over at her.

            “You said I wasn’t the only one with someone I loved on the ground,” realization spread across Raven’s face as her mouth formed an ‘o’ shape. She went back to work.

            “Finn,” she said softly and if Abby hadn’t been listening so intently she wouldn’t have heard her. “He’s um… he’s special,” Abby could see the grin spread across her face as her hand grasped the necklace she always wore around her neck.

            “I can see that,” Abby couldn’t fight the smile that spread on her on mouth.

Raven blushed, “yeah he’s my family… I mean the only family I’ve ever really had,” she could see that Abby was somewhat confused because the way Raven lit up when she talked about him was anything but familial. “He was the boy next door,” she clarified and Abby only nodded as she continued. “He always shared his rations with me, made sure I was taken care of when my mother was…” she trailed off.

            “Hey Raven, if you don’t want to talk about this we don’t have to, I was just trying to make conversation.”

            “Yeah, yeah I know… my mother is a bit of a sore subject for me,” again Abby merely nodded. “Finn was my savior, he kept me happy, he kept me sane… he kept me alive.”

            “That’s so great Raven.”

            “Which is why I know he’s okay, and if Clarke is with him; than she’s okay too,” Raven tried to reassure Abby and it seemed to have worked.

            “Thank you,” was all Abby said and with that their conversation dissipated. Abby sat quietly and watched Raven work; thankful to be comfortable enough with each other to just be there.

* * *

 

Raven could feel herself being shaken back into reality and her eyes fluttered open to see a battered but clearly worried Murphy hovering over her.

            “Fuck off Murphy,” she husked and he smiled in spite of himself.

            “Thank god… I thought you were dead.”

            “You could only hope,” she snarked and he sat back on his heels. The relief he felt a moment ago was instantly gone when she spoke again. “Where are we?”

            “Uh… we’re still here Raven.”

            “Where’s here?” she tried and failed to lift her head to look around; she was hit with a sharp pain in her head and severe dizziness. She dropped her head back to the floor softly, “what happened… why do I feel like I have someone’s foot shoved up my ass?”

Again, Murphy smiled in spite of the situation, “Raven… Raven, no, no, no… don’t go back to sleep,” he cupped her head with one hand and shook her shoulders with the other but it was too late; she was once again unconscious.

* * *

 

On the third day of working on the pod; things got a little lighter between the two women. Abby pushed her way into the room and locked the door behind herself.

            “How’s it going?”

            “As good as can be expected when trying to piece together a hundred year old shit pile,” Abby laughed.

            “Okay so… same then?”

            “Pretty much.” Abby sat on the stool she often spent her time sitting on while Raven worked but a moment later after a loud clanking sound she was on her feet. “Shit… son of a-” Raven cut herself off and bit her lip as she shook her hand trying to get the pain to subside.

            “Hey,” Abby rushed over to her. “A-Are you okay?”

            “Yeah I’ll live… just jammed my knuckles,” she supplied and that was when Abby looked at her hand.

            “You’re bleeding,” her concern was palpable and Raven shook her head.

            “Not a big deal,” her bravado was cute but Abby grabbed the bag that she often carried with her; it had some emergency medical supplies in it. She pressed her hand against Raven’s shoulder.

            “Scoot,” she gently pushed Raven to indicate she wanted to sit where she was sitting. Raven smirked at the woman but did as she requested. She moved over into the seat on the other side and Abby took the seat where she had been.

Abby pulled some stuff out of her bag to clean and bandage the large gash on the top of Raven’s hand. Abby pressed Raven’s hand down onto her own thigh as she cleaned it and Raven watched her work.

She was trying desperately to not let the closeness affect her; she had recently and suddenly found herself unceremoniously attracted to the woman currently sitting beside her. Not only did these feelings blindside her; she also had no idea what to do about them.

So she bit her lip and watched Abby work while she tried desperately not to think about the warmth of Abby’s thigh below her fingertips. Once Raven’s wound was clean and bandaged Abby finally released her hand and Raven pulled it back and rubbed her fingers together; she could still feel the heat from Abby tingling in her fingers.

            “T-Thanks,” her tone was soft and Abby’s eyes widened. _Was she blushing?_

            “Uh-um you’re welcome,” a silence fell upon them as neither woman knew what to do next; Abby didn’t want to move and Raven didn’t want her to move. “S-So, what were you doing?”

            “Huh?” Raven finally looked up from her hand. She wasn’t used to being taken care of; Finn tried but he was still a boy and not very attentive.

She liked it.

            “What exactly were you doing when you cut your hand?” Raven’s eyebrows raised in wonder. “I’d like to help so you can relax your hand for a little while.

            “Oh… I was tightening this,” she motioned to something that Abby had no idea what it was called or even what to do with it.

            “Oh,” she hummed as if she had a clue what the hell she was supposed to do with it and Raven giggled.

            “Here let me show you,” Raven took the tool she was using and handed it to Abby; who took it. She scooted closer in the seat and was incredibly aware of the fact that their thighs were now touching but she ignored it… or tried to.

            “Put this here,” she motioned where to put the wrench and guided Abby’s hand. “Just turn this until it’s too tight to um,” she didn’t realize how close their faces had become until she could see Abby’s mouth inches from her own; Abby’s tongue poked out on cue and licked her bottom lip. “to um… move,” she finished lamely and neither woman looked away from each other.

Raven had no idea what she was thinking.

She obviously wasn’t thinking at all because if she had been there was no way she’d be leaning forward and letting her eyes flutter closed; as she thought about what Abby’s lips would feel like…

Taste like.

            “Um,” Abby’s soft words stopped her in her tracks and she opened her eyes to see Abby moving as far and as fast as she could out of the pod. “I’ll uhh… I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And with that she was gone.

            “Fuck,” Raven said to herself for her actions and for the damage they had just done.

On day four; Abby didn’t show up at all.

/

On the fourth day Abby did show up.

Raven was ready to go to her with apologies and promises of it never happening again. However, on the fifth day; Abby pretended that nothing had even happened and Raven; figuring it was better than groveling went along with it.

It was better than never seeing or talking to Abby again- yeah they could just ignore this until they got to the ground and then they could walk away… maybe remain friends, but yeah they could do this.

_Who was she kidding?_

But they’d try.

The awkward silence only lasted a few moments when Abby was the one to break it, “so tell me why you’re so smart?”

            “Huh?” Raven was dumbfounded because how could she even answer that; she just was.

            “What I mean is… what made you decide to become a zero-g mechanic?”

            “Oh,” Raven chuckled before answering. “Because I love it… fixing things, building things, and engineers are pompous asses,” this time Abby laughed but Raven’s face blushed as she looked up at her. “I’m sorry Abby; I mean I’m sure Jake was diff-”

            “Nah, he _was_ a pompous ass,” she waved her off. “But he was also sweet, and charming, and the absolute best dad,” Raven took in the look on her face and only hoped she could find a love like that someday… maybe with Finn, maybe someone else…

            “I just… learning came easy for me,” she switch back to the original question.

            “That must be nice,” Abby teased.

            “Oh come on Abby,” Raven peered out the door of the pod and over at her. “You’re a freaking doctor, a surgeon… don’t act like you’re not something special,” she heard Abby suck in a gasp of breath and she tried not to think too much about it.

            “Yeah well, it came easy to me, taking care of people I mean.”

            “You’re definitely good at it,” she told her and their eyes locked. They stared at each other for a few very tense, very quiet moments before Raven broke herself out of the stare and went back to work.

After several beats Abby got to her feet.

            “I gotta go check on the clinic, I’ll see you later Raven.”

            “Bye Abs,” she provided without thinking and again neither of them missed the way Abby sucked in her breath before she left the room without looking back.

/

On the sixth day, things had gotten much easier and not as tense as it had been between them since their almost… whatever the hell that was.

They sat comfortably and talked about how things were coming along with the pod which was really good actually and Abby talked about how hard it is to work in the clinic right now with everyone getting sick from lack of oxygen. The subject then turned to Clarke.

            “So was Clarke going to become a doctor like you, or an engineer like Jake?”

            “Neither… I mean I think she learned enough from both of us for her to have been chosen for either profession but Clarke is an artist.”

            “Yeah but… fat lot of good that does her up here,” Abby leveled her with a glare and she merely shrugged. “I’m just saying,” and Abby’s glare diminished; she had been teasing anyway.

            “Yeah, it’s sad really that we live in a time and a place where being an artist is useless… it’s sad really that art is no longer a necessity in life.”

            “Yeah,” Raven said somberly. The point Abby was making was bringing her mood down.

            “But Clarke probably would’ve become a doctor like me; she has a knack for it.”

            “That must make you proud,” Raven felt her mood lift a bit.

            “I mean sure, but I’m always proud of Clarke,” a smile overtook Raven’s face.

            “I hope Clarke appreciates you, it must be nice to have a mother who is proud of you,” this time Abby was the one left feeling somber.

            “Clarke and I don’t have the best relationship but I think she knows I love her and would do anything for her, and that I’m so proud of her,” Raven merely nodded. “Raven, your mom would be dumb not to care about you.”

            “Then I guess she’s dumb.”

            “Raven honey,” she cooed and this time Raven was the one sucking in a breath at the nickname; luckily Abby seemingly missed it.

Abby didn’t miss it.

But she continued talking to try and ignore it; “Your mom may not show it, or know how to show it but I’m sure she’s proud of you… I mean how can she not be?”

            “Can we talk about something else?” Raven rubbed her hands up and down against her thighs; taking about her mom made her uncomfortable. “Can we talk about something lighter… like the inferno of re-entry?”

            “Sure,” Abby giggled.

* * *

 

Raven felt like her eyes were heavy. She wanted to open them but it was so hard, they were so heavy.

            “Raven, Raven…” she could hear her name being called. It was like an echo and a whisper at the same time. She fought hard and finally opened her eyes. There was a guy hovering over her. She knew him.

She thought she knew him anyway.

_Who is he?_

            “Raven, thank god,” the boy said and she knew that voice; it was an annoyingly irritating voice. _Oh right it’s Murphy._

            “Why the hell am I still with you?” She was shocked that her own voice was almost unrecognizable. She tried to clear her throat but she couldn’t it; was so dry.

Noticing this Murphy grabbed the canteen and tipped it toward her lips, “here have some water.”

            “Thank you,” she said after taking a long sip.

            “Don’t start being nice to me now Raven… it’ll worry me even more.”

            “Aw, you’re worried about me?” She teased and he shrugged.

            “Not really?”

            “Where’s Abby?” Raven said out of nowhere and Murphy instinctively looked around; even though he knew there was no way in hell anyone was there.

            “Huh?” He asked just as her eyes closed again and her head hit the floor with a dull thud, “Oh fuck!” He shouted before falling back on his heels.

* * *

 

On the seventh day of working on the pod; Raven and Abby had pretty much given up on staying away from each other but also refusing to talk about whatever it was that was happening between them. Abby had just come in with some lunch for them both and Raven stopped working long enough to eat. Abby joined her in the pod and they ate in comfortable silence.

When she was done eating, Raven leaned her head back against the pod and stretched out a bit.

            “Thanks Abs, that was awesome… I didn’t realize how hungry I was,” Abby didn’t react- audibly anyway- to the nickname. She was getting used to it.

And she loved it.

            “I guess it’s a good thing, I think about you then huh?” The sentence was innocent enough but there was so much underlying subtext that neither woman could ignore it.

            “It’s a great thing,” Raven quipped with a grin. A real, genuine smile… a feeling she hadn’t felt for a long time as Abby finished eating and relaxed beside her. Their sides were touching and Abby was _thisclose_ to having her head on Raven’s shoulder. And then her head was on her shoulder and Raven froze a bit.

Not because she didn’t like it but because she was surprised; Abby however read it the wrong way and pulled back quickly, “I-I’m sorry.”

            “No Abby-”

            “I um… I’m going to go,” she popped out of the pod and was already to the door before Raven could protest. “I have patients,” she heard her say before she whipped out of the room.

            “Damn,” Raven cursed herself and tossed her wrench on the floor before dropping her head back against the wall of the pod.

/

On the morning of the eighth day; Raven was busy at work trying to get the pod ready for launch when Abby burst into the room; Raven nearly jumped out of her skin.

            “Jesus Abby warn a girl,” she teased but from her position inside the pod but she could tell that Abby was worried about something.

            “How soon can you get this thing ready to drop?”

            “Raven snorted, “I’m still scraping up parts to fabricate a pressure regulator…”

            “Raven wake up,” she could hear Murphy talking and felt herself being shaken.

And that was when her fever dream was interrupted by reality.

            “Wake up… wake up,” he said. “help is here,” he looked over at the people who had just walked in.  “Help her.”

Abby walked over and knelt at her side.

            “Raven,” she checked her pulse, “Raven… Raven, honey… it’s Abby,” a smile spread on Abby’s face when she saw her eyes fluttering open.

She used all of her strength to open her eyes and saw Abby looking down at her.

Her angel.

~

_“Let’s not waste one more second on caring about, trying to figure out what looks right, cause that can’t take away that you’re mine. I’ll be what you want, when everything is gone, let the world disappear, there are places up here we can hide. Somewhere only we can find.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and lyrics are from the song Astronauts


	3. You're Gonna Get Through

            “Clarke’s not here,” Raven croaked and saw the happiness that was on Abby’s face fade. “I don’t know where she is,” Abby took a moment to let it sink in before she pushed it to the back of her mind to focus on the immediate- more pressing matter in front of her.

            “What happened to you?” Raven tried to move but Abby stopped her; Raven peered over at Murphy. Deciding against turning him in because she did want the members of the council to kill him, she lied.

            “I got shot,” she finally said as Abby fussed over her. “I got shot.”

During the long trek back to the Ark; Abby couldn’t help but worry about where Clarke and the rest of the hundred could be; as well as having to try to keep Raven alive.

She needed to keep Raven alive.

The fact that Raven made it to the ground after all of the obstacles they faced with the pod and everything; was what kept her going up on the Ark. She never thought she was going to get to see Raven again, she thought she’d die in space when the Ark ran out air. Taking it to the ground to try and survive was something that had never crossed her mind until they were planning on doing it.

She had resigned herself to the fact that the brief and glorious kiss she and Raven had shared would be their only one and she was okay with that; but now that they’re here, on the ground, and alive; there was no way she was going to let Raven go anywhere.

She knew-deep down- that even down here there was no future for she and Raven but she at least needed the girl around her; needed to see her and work with her every day.

She needed to make sure she was okay.

When they finally got to camp she was practically tackle hugged by Jackson and she had to admit it was nice; she really needed a friend at the moment and she knew that Jackson was always and would always be on her side.

            “What’s the plan?” He surveyed the scene before him.

            “We have to take care of the critical one first… so Raven,” she replied and a look of shock spread on his face.

He knew that Abby and Raven had something… a friendship, kinship, something; he didn’t know the details be he knew they were important to each other.

He hadn’t noticed who they had brought in on the makeshift gurneys until she said Raven and that was when he looked at her.

            “H-How bad is it?”

            “It’s bad,” was her answer and then she was gone having ducked into the clinic. He was left standing with the guard members and the two injured people.

            “Uh, b-bring Raven to medical bay one, and John to bay two,” he instructed and the guard members did as they were told. He followed them inside, immediately heading into bay one. As he did this he saw Finn following the guard.

            “Uh, hey Finn,” he called one they made it into the room; Finn looked over at him. “You can wait outside just until she’s conscious… I promise I’ll come get you as soon as she is.”

            “No way man, I’m going in there and you can’t stop me,” he pushed Jackson off and he could see the Finn was scared more than angry so he reached for him again.

            “Look, she’s not good right now… she keeps slipping in and out of consciousness and if she dies,” as soon as the words left his mouth he knew he had Finn’s full attention; their eyes met. “Trust me, if that happens- which Abby and I will do our best to make sure it doesn’t- but if it does, you don’t want to be in there.”

Finn studied his face for a moment taking his words to heart and then he nodded.

            “As soon as she’s stable,” Finn finally agreed and Jackson nodded.

            “I promise,” then he turned toward Raven’s medical bay.

While Jackson was talking to Finn; the guard left Abby alone with Raven who was unconscious.

Abby ran her fingers over the girls head and felt tears slide down her own cheeks.

            “Don’t cry Abs,” Ravens voice sounded harsh and slightly broken but hearing it gave Abby the strength to open her eyes and meet Raven’s own. “Pretty girls should never cry.”

            “Speak for yourself,” Abby said around a teary laugh.

            “I’m not crying though.”

            “No… you’re not,” she ran her hands over Raven’s forehead and down her cheek. “I missed you.”

            “I missed you too Abby,” she whispered and then her eyes fluttered closed. Abby felt herself panic and the doctor in her immediately kicked in. Luckily she wasn’t alone for long because just as she began to work on the girl; Jackson showed up at her side, like he always did.

            “What do you need?” He asked. She shot him a thankful grin and wiped the tears from her eyes.

            “I need you to get her hooked up to an IV; she needs fluids stat,” Jackson nodded and instantly went to work while Abby snapped her surgical gloves on. “Now, let’s get this bleeding to stop, what do you say?”

            “Yes… lets,” he agreed.

* * *

 

Once Raven was stabilized and conscious enough to talk; Abby walked into the room and prepared herself to tell her the bad news.

            “How are you feeling?”

            “Awesome,” Raven’s sarcasm shone through a heavy breath and obvious pain.

            “She’s lying,” Finn told her. Abby hadn’t even been aware he was there and she was more annoyed at the sudden burst of jealousy that spiked in her due to his presence. She and Raven had never had a chance to discuss the kiss and now was certainly not the time.

But it was on Abby’s mind and the fact that the boy Raven had risked her life to come back to was doting at her bedside was enough to drive her crazy; and make her jealous as hell.

Ever the professional she pushed her anger and jealousy down and focused on her patient.

Raven could tell that Abby was battling something personal but she wasn’t sure what it was; she could also tell that Abby had bad news for her; medically speaking.

Noticing this Raven spoke, “I know that face, just spit it out Abby.”

Abby bit down on her lip because Raven was something else, even at a time like this she was still her usual self and it was one of Abby’s favorite things about her.

            “The bullet is still shifting, that’s why you’re in pain,” her expression turned a bit grim as she felt her personal feelings for the girl creeping in; “I was hoping it would stabilize by now.”

Raven sucked in a pained breath, “So how ‘bout you take it out?”

            “Raven, we need to talk about that,” she moved closer and fought the urge to cover Raven’s hand with her own. “The bullet is pressing on your spine, if we leave it in you’ll live, but… you’ll never walk again.” Finn looked over at Raven who swallowed hard.

            “Then take it out.”

Again Abby fought her feelings and took a moment to get herself together before she continued, “The surgery could kill you… we have no equipment, we have no anesthesia,” Raven could see the pain in her eyes. She knew this was going to be just as hard for Abby as it was on herself.

            “Will I walk again?”

            “Maybe but you’d be awake the whole time… you’d feel everything.”

            “Sign me up,” her tone carried that fierce determination that Abby loved so much about her.

            “Wait, Raven you could die,” Finn cut in. Raven looked over at him and he could tell just as well as Abby could that she was terrified; though her words painted a different picture.

            “In zero-g I didn’t need my legs… down here I do,” she could see that Finn knew there was no changing her mind. She looked back at Abby. “Take it out.”

            “Finn, do you uh… do you mind leaving us alone for a moment?” Abby pleaded but Finn quickly and violently shook his head no.

            “No, I’m not letting a member of the council brow beat her into changing her mind,” Abby hid a smirk because at least he did love Raven; her jealous waned a bit- but only a bit.

            “It’s okay Finn,” Raven piped in. “Abby’s different,” she wanted to say that she was special but she knew that would be considered unusual. “S-She’s my…” she trailed off in a short pause, “m-my friend.” Finn crossed his arms over his chest like he didn’t like it but he nodded his head; a moment later he was gone and Abby crossed the room as fast as she could.

She covered Raven’s hand with one hand and cupped her cheek with the other.

            “Do you understand how h-hard… how painful this is going to be?” She asked, her voice broken as again tears fought to escape.

Raven nodded as her own tears slipped down her cheeks. With a trembling lip she spoke, “Yeah, it’s going to suck, I hope I pass out from the pain quickly but Abby… I trust you,” Abby gave up on her fight as tears fell down her face. “There is no one I trust more to take care of me than you,” with that Abby pressed her forehead to Raven’s and they both took a moment to revel in the feel of each other once more.

After a couple of beats, Abby pulled back.

            “Raven,” again her voice cracked; she was terrified… Raven could see that. She could tell that Abby was just as scared of doing this as Raven was of having it done. But it was the only choice; she wouldn’t last a day down there without legs. “Not to be selfish in a time that shouldn’t be about me at all but I can’t help but ask you if you know how hard this is going to be on me?”

Raven smirked, “Abby you’re like a kick ass doctor… you got this.”

            “Not the surgery Raven,” she corrected. “I can do that in my sleep, but… it’s _you_ ,” Raven sucked in a breath that Abby ignored. Well tried to ignore, “I-I don’t know if I can inflict pain on you and not lose myself in the process,” she saw another tear drip off of Raven’s cheek.

Raven obviously hadn’t thought about what it would do to Abby; she never really liked to think about- or hope- whether or not Abby felt for her anything that came close to what she felt for Abby.

            “I trust you,” she repeated and interlocked their fingers together. “I know that it will be hard for you to do this but I can’t give you another option… I need my legs,” Abby nodded knowingly as more tears fell down her face. “I need you to do this for me Abby, you’re the only one who can,” again Abby nodded; this time she let her head fall to Raven’s shoulder as she finally let the tears engulf her. Raven reached around with her other hand and cupped the back of Abby’s head.

“Meeting you,” she whispered. “has been the best thing that has ever happened to me,” she continued and that caused Abby to stop crying. She looked up and met Raven’s eyes. “And I’ve never trusted anyone more,” she finished and Abby knew that was a lot. Because she knew how much Finn meant to her and how much he had done for her. Without thinking about consequences she leaned closer with every intention of finally kissing Raven again like she’d wanted to since that day on the Ark.

But just as she leaned in; Jackson’s voice stopped her.

            “Hey Abby,” he said rounding the corner. “Oh sorry,” he stepped back upon noticing the scene he had walked in on. Abby quickly pulled back and wiped her tears away. Once she felt presentable she faced him.

            “It’s fine Jackson… I was just trying to convince Raven not to do this surgery.”

            “And how’d that go?” He asked; already knowing the answer.

            “About as well as you’d expect,” she rolled her eyes and then looked at Raven again, for the first time since she almost kissed her. She looked tired, but also a bit disappointed that they had been interrupted and if anything today could make Abby feel better other than what Raven had just said… it was that look.

            “Can you go get Finn and tell him we’re about to prep her for the surgery and we’ll come and get him when it’s time?”

            “Will do,” and then he left them alone again. Abby tried to turn away to get the supplies ready but her fingers were still tangled with Raven’s and Raven tugged her back.

            “Abby,” she sounded desperate and Abby met her eyes. “About what just happened-”

            “Another time,” Abby cut her off. “If I’m going to get through this surgery I need to believe that there will be another time for us to have this conversation,” with that Raven nodded once and released her hold on Abby’s fingers.

As Abby turned away to get things set up she smiled when she heard Raven speaking, “Thank you Abs, I knew you’d come through for me,” and coming from a girl who had only ever been able to rely on one other person that made Abby feel as though she could actually do this.

* * *

 

Raven was lying on her stomach with a seatbelt’s from the drop ship strapping her to the cot; so that she couldn’t move during the surgery. Her eyes were locked with Finn but she could feel Jackson prepping her for the surgery.

As Jackson drew lines on Raven’s back where Abby would have to cut; Abby rounded the cot and placed her hand on the top of Raven’s head, cupping it; she leaned over close to Raven’s ear and as her thumb stroked the side of her head she whispered, “we’re almost ready.” Raven nodded and Abby fought the urge to place a kiss on her head. In the end, she didn’t care how it looked; she followed her heart and pressed her lips gently to Raven’s temple.

And the sigh that Raven let out when she felt Abby’s lips made it all worth it.

            “Do you want me to talk?” Finn asked Raven as Abby backed away; once again forcing her jealousy to go the hell away. “Or just shut up?” Raven didn’t answer as Jackson clipped the final seatbelt around Raven’s body and Abby turned to face her; gloves on and scalpel in hand.

Raven looked at Finn with terror in her eyes and Abby looked at Raven with a similar look in her own; just as she was about to start the cut; Raven shouted.

            “Stop!” Abby backed away and let out a long relieved sigh. She could hear Raven breathing heavy on the verge of a panic attack; but didn’t know what else to do.

Finn was the one stroking Raven’s head and trying to comfort her with his words; while she was the one with a knife in hand ready to torture her.

She wasn’t sure she could handle torturing the girl she…

A girl she cared so much about.

            “Look at me,” Finn’s voice was soft and calm, “Okay… just keep looking at me,” Raven nodded ever-so-slightly and reached out for his hand, interlocking their fingers and Abby never hated being a surgeon as much as she did in that very moment.

Breathing heavy again she nodded to him twice and he looked back at Abby.

            “She’s ready,” with that Abby sucked in a breath to steady herself and her hand before she began cutting.

And she knew as she performed the surgery that the screams it was causing Raven to let out would haunt her dreams for the rest of her life; but she continued.

Because Raven needed her to.

Once the surgery was over and Raven was stable Abby quickly left the room and went straight to her quarters where she spent the better part of an hour crying over the sounds Raven made… the sounds she caused.

The fact that she had just essentially tortured the girl she had someone fallen head over heels in love with.

She cried, and cried, and cried until there weren’t any tears left.

And when she felt comfortable enough to face other people she went back to medical to make sure Raven would continue to remain stable… even if it took all night.

/

Later; after Finn had gone to bed for the night and she was alone in Raven’s medical bay as the girl slept. She was pacing the room back and forth; she didn’t know what to do with herself. She knew sleep was out of the question, she thought about inventorying the medical supplies but that was literally her least favorite thing to do… ever.

So instead she paced; glancing over at Raven every now and then to make sure she was still breathing. So she nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard Raven’s voice.

            “Abby, how about I pace your room when you’re trying to sleep,” her voice was sluggish but it stopped Abby in her tracks and reminded her of that day on the Ark; the day Raven changed their relationship for good.

She rushed over to the girl, “how are you? Are you okay?”

            “I feel like I just got my ass kicked?”

            “Well you kind of did,” Abby tried not to go to the dark- blaming herself place- again.

            “Did I win at least?”

            “Uh… we won’t know until you’re out of recovery,” the look in Raven’s eyes told her that the girl had no idea how long that meant so she elaborated, “ tomorrow,” she shrugged not really knowing for sure how long it would take for them to know if the surgery was a complete success or not. “But at least you’re here.”

Raven smiled at how relieved Abby looked.

            “You’re pretty when you smile,” Abby risked.

Raven smirked.

            “I’m always pretty,” she snarked and Abby rolled her eyes. “But that goes without saying,” it was quiet between them for a few moments, “h-how are you doing?”

            “I’m okay,” she lied.

            “No you’re not,” Raven knew her better than a lot of other people did. “You’ve been crying, I can tell… I hope it wasn’t because of me, a-and the surgery.”

            “Of course it was that,” She admitted. “But it’s okay now, I mean I’ll be okay.”

            “You promise,” she needed to know that Abby wasn’t beating herself up but when all she got was a nod she knew not to push. They’d be okay… maybe not right away but they’d be fine.

Another few moments of silence fell between them but for the first time in forever it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence.

            “I wish you had some pain killers,” Raven broke the silence with a joke that was not a joke; she _really_ could use some pain killers.

            “Well I don’t have any of that,” Raven nodded knowingly, “but… I did manage to steal some of Monty’s moonshine before the guard destroyed it all,” she smiled when Raven’s eyes lit up with delight. “Want some?”

            “Did you actually just ask?” With that Abby pulled out the flask that she had hidden earlier with the intent to bring it to her quarters and drown her sorrows… now she could do that while also helping Raven in the only way she could.

            “Cheers,” she helped Raven take a big sip before she took a swig of her own. They both grimaced as they swallowed the foul tasting liquid.

            “Thanks Abs,” Raven breathed out and Abby took a seat on the bench Finn had used earlier. “For everything,” she finished as she felt sleep take her. Abby nodded even though her eyes were already closed and couldn’t see her.

Abby took another swig of the moonshine and barely choked it down before she ran her fingers gently across Raven’s forehead.

            “Thank you for making it through and still being here,” she leaned in to press a soft kiss to Raven’s cheek and then she proceeded to spend the rest of the night drinking the remainder of liquid in the flask.

~

_“Maybe things are finally getting better, better; maybe everyone is finally fed up enough. Maybe all the clouds are gonna let up, let up.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and lyrics come from the song Angels in Chelsea.


	4. How'd My Heart Become My Enemy

Abby didn’t intend to fall asleep with her arms crossed against the cot Raven was sleeping on and her head resting on her arms; and she certainly hadn’t intended for anyone to find her.

Luckily, it was Jackson.

She felt like someone was splitting her head in half as Jackson gently shook her awake.

            “Abby,” he whispered. When her eyes fluttered open he continued, “Hey Abby… did you sleep here last night?” She licked her lips and looked around at her surroundings as the memories of the night before flooded back.

            “Uh yeah,” she croaked. When she moved the flask clattered to the floor and Jackson’s eyes widened when he saw it.

            “Did you get drunk last night?” The question was filled with surprise more than judgement and even though she knew that she didn’t want anyone- Kane in particular- to know that she spent the night getting drunk and watching over Raven. She didn’t need to deal with those kinds of questions… not now.

            “If you tell anyone, Jackson-”

            “I won’t,” he cut her off with his arms raised in the air. “Your secret is safe with me,” his words were met with a smile from his friend.

As Raven began to stir, Abby popped to her feet, while Jackson swiped the empty flask off the floor and tucked it away where no one would find it.

            “Abby,” she called softly and Abby reached up to caress the top of her head.

            “I’m here Raven,” she told her.

            “I’m so scared,” she began crying. Jackson suddenly felt like he was intruding; so he looked over at Abby and smirked.

            “I’ll make sure no one bothers you.”

            “Thank you Jackson,” once he was gone and the curtain was closed she turned her attention back to Raven. “I know it’s scary baby,” she said without thinking and even in this state Raven’s eyes widened at the endearing term. Abby tried to ignore it, “I know it’s scary but if anyone can handle this Raven, it’s you. You’re the strongest person I know,” as she whispered close to Raven’s face; the girl caught a sniff of the moonshine on her breath.

            “A-Abby are you drunk?”

            “I uh… I-”

            “You got drunk,” her head was spinning and not because she almost died but because Abby had spent the night getting drunk because of her and that was something. “Why did you-” and then it dawned on her.

 _Of course_.

            “Clarke,” Raven continued and Abby looked up at her. “You’re worried about Clarke,” Abby nodded. Clarke wasn’t the reason she got drunk but she wasn’t going to lie that Clarke has been at the forefront of her mind for most of the time she’d been on the ground; Raven’s crisis excluded. “Of course you are, Abby I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect her like you asked me to,” Raven was crying again and Abby covered Raven’s hand with her own.

            “No honey, you did great,” she reassured her. “You did everything… but you were injured, there was nothing else you could have done,” Raven nodded because logically she knew the woman was right.

“But Abby, please don’t worry too much that you’re drinking yourself into a stupor,” Abby shook her head. “You’re too important here and Clarke is strong… she’s so strong, she’s the reason- well mostly- the reason why we’re even alive at all,” Abby continued to shake her head no.

            “I wasn’t drinking because of Clarke,” She finally told her and Raven’s eyebrows rose.

            “Then… then why?”

            “Because I was worried about you,” she blurted and Raven’s eyes widened again; but before either of them could say anything Finn pushed past the curtain with Jackson on his heels.

“I’m sorry Abby, he almost knocked me over to get by,” he supplied but he stopped worrying when he saw that she was nodding.

            “Raven,” Finn called as he entered the room. “Raven,” upon seeing her and Abby he looked between them. “What’s going on?”

            “Nothing… o-other than I was getting Raven’s vitals before we tested to see if the surgery worked.”

He moved to Raven’s side and sat down, “Well I’m here now… so go ahead.”

            “Technically, you can’t be here unless Raven wants you here,” Raven looked in Abby’s eyes and could see something… something akin to jealousy but…

_It couldn’t be could it?_

            “Raven,” Finn whined.

            “It’s fine,” she waved him off. “You can stay,” she then met Abby’s eyes with a pleading look and hoped that Abby wasn’t angry.

She wasn’t.

Abby turned away to go wash her hands and get the supplies ready.

* * *

 

When she came back into the room Finn was holding Raven’s hand. Once again; she pushed her personal feelings aside to remain professional.

She grabbed a tool that looked like nothing more than a thin piece of metal.

            “You ready?” Her eyes locked with Raven and she saw her fierce determination fighting through the fear in her eyes.

Raven was so damn courageous.

She just wanted to hug her one more time.

Instead, she ran the piece of metal up Raven’s right foot and it moved slightly.

“You felt that?” Abby asked surprised.

“Yes, I felt that,” her tone was a mix of relief and exhaustion.

“Good,” Abby sounded almost happy and it caused Raven to crack a smile. “Now the left.” Abby repeated the action on her left foot and this one…

Nothing.

Raven and Abby’s eyes locked and they both knew what that meant. Finn was more hopeful; he looked over at Raven and Abby looked worried.

Also annoyed, she knew Raven loved Finn but she was tired of him being there.

“Anything?” Finn asked her; when she didn’t answer he directed his words to Abby. “Try it again,” when she didn’t move he shouted, “Try it again!” Abby jumped and for the first time since they found her, Raven was angry with Finn.

He looked worried as he pushed off the bed and turned away.

            “Finn,” Raven whispered, exasperated; he looked back at her, but didn’t say anything.

            “Raven,” Abby tried to level her voice so that neither of them could tell that she was just as desperately worried as Finn was. But Raven could tell and she felt relief wash over her.

 “I want you to tell me when you feel something okay?” Raven nodded. She watched as Abby used the same piece of metal to gently flick against her leg and each time she couldn’t feel anything she got more and more upset as did Finn… and Abby.

Once Abby got just above her knee; Raven finally felt something.

            “There,” Abby and Finn both looked over.

She took a long moment to once again keep herself professional before she spoke, “Raven it appears that you have significant damage to the nerves in your left leg,” she was choking up.

            “Will it get better?”

            “For now you’ll need crutches,” she finally covered Raven’s hand with her own as a small wave of relief hit her. “But you’re alive,” she was so happy about that.

The thought of life without Raven was a thought she never wanted to enter her mind. “And you’re not in pain anymore.”

Raven began crying, trying and failing to hold them back, “but I’m still crippled,” Finn looked away and Abby fought her own tears.

She needed to get the hell out of there and fast… so she quickly backed away.

            “I’m going to give you two some time,” she said through tears that Finn didn’t catch but Raven sure did.

And then Abby was gone.

Raven had so many things she wanted to say to her but now was not the time; she didn’t have the energy… there would be another time.

Once Abby was gone Finn sat down next to her again.

            “We always talk about you,” he tried to lighten the mood as he met her eyes. “Don’t you wanna hear about my day?”

And it worked because she laughed.

            “I’m so tired,” she was again fighting the tears.

            “Get some rest,” he got to his feet but her hand holding his, stopped him.

            “Hey,” he turned back. “When I wake up… don’t be here.”

She told him that he needed to go get their friends; which was true but at the moment she honestly didn’t want him there.

Not him anyway.

* * *

                                         

Later, when Abby returned to Raven’s side; she noticed that Finn wasn’t there and she was happy about that.

            “Hey,” she greeted warmly and Raven shot her a pained smile in return.

            “Hey,” she replied and her voice was raw… dry. Abby pulled the stool closer to Raven’s cot and sat down beside her. She debated whether or not to reach out and hold her hand and after looking quickly around to make sure they were truly alone; she ultimately decided to follow her heart.

She reached out for Raven’s hand and Raven gasped at the touch but didn’t pull away; their fingers interlocked.

            “How are you feeling, do you need some water or something?” Raven shook her head no and licked her lips.

            “So what happens now?” Her tone was worried and her voice cracked with unshed tears; which were always on the edge of spilling over but like always she fought them.

            “Physical therapy?” The answer doubled as a question to gauge whether or not Raven would be open to it or not.

Turns out it was not.

            “H-Hell no… no way,” she was shaking her head. “How’s that going to make my leg work again?”

            “I don’t know that it will, but Raven I think it’s our only option.”

            “Think of something else then!” She shouted and Abby; having never seen this side of her backed off. She got to her feet and began to pace the room.

Raven for her part, instantly felt bad but didn’t know how to convey her thoughts, and her fears to the woman.

            “What do you think?” Abby finally asked as she turned and face her.

            “What do you mean?” She tried and failed to keep the anger out of her tone.

            “I just mean… what do you think we should do to help your leg?”

            “I don’t know Abby,” her tone had turned from anger to disgust. “You tell me you’re supposed to be the doctor.”

            “Okay Raven,” Abby threw her hands into the air and walked across the room. “I’ll see you later,” with that she headed for the plastic curtain that separated to room from the rest of the clinic.

            “Abby wait,” Raven called after her but it was too late; she was gone.

Abby stormed right past all the other medics; including Jackson and headed straight for the door; one of the women turned to Jackson.

            “What’s her problem?”

            “I-I don’t know,” was his reply; concern written all over his face. “I’ll be right back,” he put his tablet down and followed Abby outside.

He found her at the mess hall sitting at one of the lunch tables.

            “Hey,” he kept his voice even as he took the seat across from her.

            “Hey,” she nodded and continued to seethe. He had never seen Abby this angry before.

            “A-Are you okay?”

            “Jackson,” she was exasperated. “While I appreciate you coming after me and caring so much for me, I really, really can’t talk about it.”

            “Is it about whatever is happening with you and Raven?” As soon as the words left his mouth she immediately looked around them; and he knew he had hit the nail on the head.

            “Jackson be quiet… someone could have heard you.”

            “So what if they did?” He shrugged and was met with a glare.

            “I don’t know how or when exactly you and Raven became so close but who the hell cares Abby,” her eyes met his and she was surprised; he never talked like this. “This… being here,” he held up is hands to motion to everything around them. “This is the beginning of a life none of us thought we’d get to live and who the hell cares who you love,” she sucked in a breath because he hit on something she hadn’t even fully admitted to herself yet.

            “She’s so young,” Abby tried to reason.

            “So,” he shrugged.

            “She’s barely older than Clarke,” she tried again.

            “So,” he shrugged again. “You clearly think of her as an equal, everyone can see that… which is pretty much why Kane’s panties are always in a bunch when he sees you and Raven together,” with that Abby laughed. “Just go back in there and talk to her.”

            “No,” Abby shook her head wildly and Jackson was about to speak again but before he could she did. “No… and it’s not because of the personal stuff,” she whispered the last part and he knew that she may not be ready just yet but she wasn’t shutting the idea out completely. “It’s because Raven is being unreasonable right now and… just no,” she shook her head again.

This time Jackson laughed, “And here I thought you weren’t afraid of anything.”

            “I’m not afraid,” she said resolutely.

            “Yeah you are,” he laughed again but it worked. Within a moment Abby got to her feet and stormed back into the clinic.

Jackson watched her go with pride written on his face.

* * *

 

When Abby walked back into Raven’s room she expected to see her lying down; but when she came in she was propped up into a sitting position.

Everything she was feeling… pride, anger… fear; it all vanished at the sight as she rushed over to the girl.

            “Raven, are you okay… you need to be careful; you should’ve waited for help,” Raven couldn’t help but grin because of Abby fussing over her.

            “I had help,” was all she said and Abby instantly backed off.

            “Oh.”

            “Yeah… um a-after you left,” she could see regret in Raven’s eyes but let her talk. “Sinclair came by and he helped me up.”

            “Oh okay,” with that she relaxed.

A moment later; they both spoke at the same time.

            “I’m sorry.”

            “I’m sorry.”

Raven laughed and continued, “I’m sorry I was being an ass.”

            “I was being pushy,” Abby sat down on the stool beside her bed.

            “Maybe, but yelling at you was the wrong way to go about it… it’s just- it just sucks,” Abby nodded in agreement.

            “Yeah I know,” a moment of silence fell between them but it didn’t last too long.

            “So Sinclair brought me a gift,” Raven broke the awkwardness and Abby looked up to meet her eyes.

            “Oh, what was that…” Abby waited as Raven pulled a large canteen out from under the blanket covering her and Abby’s eyes widened. “Monty’s moonshine?”

            “Yeah, he saved some for me knowing there was no pain medicine,” Abby smiled because at least she had that. “Want some?”

            “Raven, Sinclair risked getting into trouble to help you… I shouldn’t-”

            “Oh come on Abby, drinking alone is no fun,” when Abby finally nodded Raven’s beaming smile almost took her breath away.

She took a long sip and then passed the bottle to Abby who repeated the action.

            “So tell me more about this physical therapy?” Before the words were even out of her mouth, Abby was shaking her head no. “I promise I won’t yell at you this time.”

Abby shot her a sideways glance; because she wasn’t too sure about that.

* * *

 

Hours later; the canteen was now empty and neither Raven nor Abby for that matter were feeling any pain. They were trying to keep their giggling to a minimum so as not to wake the other patients.

            “I uh,” Abby motioned toward the door when she realized how late it must’ve been. “I should probably go.”

            “Don’t,” Raven’s voice was pleading and Abby’s eyes locked with her own. “Please… stay with me?”

            “Raven,” she warned as her fears crept back in.

            “Please, I just- I don’t want to be alone right now… being alone is the worst.”

            “Where’s Finn?” Abby asked; she instantly regretted it because even she didn’t want Finn there with her. She was happy Raven felt the same.

            “He’s probably with Bellamy and the others trying to figure out how to sneak out of camp,” Abby’s eyes widened as that piqued her interests. She was torn over wanting them to go and get Clarke and the others and with not wanting them to get hurt or in trouble.

When again, Raven changed everything.

            “And besides I don’t want him… I want you.”

            “Raven,” this time it was less of a warning as her voice trembled and her resolve was breaking.

            “Please,” she begged and Abby realized she couldn’t- and she didn’t want to deny her of anything.

            “Okay,” she finally agreed. “But once you fall asleep, I’m leaving.”

            “Deal,” Raven’s smile was so wide and that alone made it worth it.

Raven slipped back down so that she was once again in a lying position and Abby scooted the stool closer.

Once Raven was comfortable she reached out for Abby’s hand who willingly gave it. She sucked in a breath as Raven intertwined their fingers and winked at her. Abby bent her other arm at the elbow, leaned it against the cot, and then leaned her head on it.

            “Thanks for staying Abby.”

            “You’re welcome,” she whispered and before she knew it she was sleeping.

She wasn’t sure how many hours later she woke up but it was still dark out. She looked up and wiped her face before looking over at Raven. She was so peaceful in her sleep finally not feeling any pain and Abby was certain she had never looked more beautiful.

She got to her feet, pressed a kiss to Raven’s finger tips before she untangled their fingers, and made her way out of the room.

She still felt a bit drunk as she made her way back to her own quarters but luckily no one else was awake; and nothing was in the path.

What she didn’t know was that one person _was_ awake, and watching her walk out of the clinic.

And that person was Kane.

~

_“It’s getting louder and louder, every time I think about you, about you. I’ll be better off without you, without you. I wish my heart would stop, I wish my heart would stop, beating me up.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and lyrics come from the song Beating Me Up.


	5. I Don't Wanna Get Broken Baby

The following evening… after Abby helped David Miller get Bellamy, Finn, and the others out of camp so that they could look for everyone else; she went back to medical.

 _At least Finn won’t be there_ \- she thought to herself before she ran her fingers through her hair and chastised herself.

            “Jesus Abby, you’re jealous of a kid because you’re falling for…” she shook her head no and focused on her task at hand. “Get yourself under control.”

She then walked into the clinic.

            “What was that?” Jackson asked; having heard her saying something as she walked in.

            “Oh, I was just talking to myself.”

            “Okay,” he shook his head. What was going on with Abby lately was amusing to him but she was his mentor and best friend so whatever it was; he had her back.

            “How is-”

            “She’s doing a lot better than yesterday,” he already knew who she would be asking about. She shot him a smirk, grabbed her tablet, and headed into Raven’s medical bay.

            “Hey,” a smile came over her face when she walked in to see Raven sitting up and looking at a pair of crutches with a scowl on her face. “How are you?”

            “Still crippled,” she snapped and Abby stepped closer. Raven instantly felt bad for taking her terrible mood out on Abby; it wasn’t her fault.

            “Raven I,” with her words Raven shook her head no so she stopped talking. She continued to move closer and leaned on the cot beside her.

            “I’m sorry Abs, I’m just annoyed.”

            “I can see that,” she teased and it earned her a smirk from the girl.

            “Sinclair brought these sad ass crutches to me,” she tossed them aside. “I know he meant well but really… who put these together, Murphy?” Abby chuckled at that. “And then that pain in the ass Wick…” she trailed off when she saw that Abby seemed confused. “Kyle Wick… he’s an engineer,” with that it dawned on her.

            “Oh yeah, Jake was working with him,” Raven nodded with a tight grin on her face; because she didn’t want to talk about Jake… or Wick for that matter.

            “He brought me this piece of crap,” she handed a brace to Abby. “I mean, he’s an engineer you’d think he could do better than this… hell, I can do a lot better than that thing,” she huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.

Abby looked over the brace in her hand and decided that Raven was right; it was junk- but it was meant with good intentions, “I think your friends are just trying to help in any way they can.”

            “Excuse me… Wick is _not_ my friend,” she laughed and it was the first time since their days on the Ark with the pod that she has seen Raven carefree and smiling. It caused the words to get stuck in her throat.

Raven must have noticed because she shifted in her seat and changed the subject.

            “So… what’s the next step?”

            “For what?” Abby was confused because she had gone somewhere else in her head.

            “For me… and this dead leg,” her words brought Abby back to the moment.

            “Well… like I said yesterday, the only thing I can think of is the physical therapy,” as she spoke Raven curled her lip. “It’s my thinking that maybe if the leg gets enough exercise and the nerves can heal that maybe it’ll work. We might have to operate again but neither one of us will survive that right now.”

            “In the future maybe?” Raven asked with hope in her voice.

            “If it’ll help... definitely,” Abby assured her, once again reaching for her hand and covering it with her own. “Until then I’ll be happy to do some physical therapy with you,” and that caused Raven to smirk.

            “Will you now?” She teased.

Abby blushed when she realized her tone was playful, “Raven, we can’t-”

Before she could finish her sentence, Kane barged in.

            “Dr. Griffin, I need to speak with you,” his tone was stern and she rolled her eyes.

            “I’m with a patient,” she didn’t even turn to face him. She knew what this was about. It was because she helped the kids leave camp to find the others. She knew he’d find out sooner or later… and apparently it was sooner.

            “It’ll only be a moment,” he didn’t back down and this time he didn’t wait for her to respond. “I’ll be waiting outside.”

            “Ooooh you in trouble,” Raven teased and Abby tossed the brace at her.

“I’ll be right back,” she then turned toward the curtain and left. Raven stared at the stupid brace in her hand with a curled lip. But then she started to really look at it and soon she was trying to figure out how to make it better.

An idea hit her.

            “Hey Jackson,” she called out and a few moments later he poked his head inside.

            “Can you… or can you have someone get Sinclair to bring me some tools?” He nodded and smiled because at least she was focusing on something other than her leg.

            “I’ll get someone to get it.”

            “Thanks.”

* * *

 

Abby didn’t get back in to see Raven after her brief meeting with Kane due to a medical emergency; some kids from the Ark had gotten sick from something they ate in the woods. They were currently all stable but needed to be monitored through the night. Abby took a moment of down time to poke her head in on Raven.

            “Hey,” she said seeing that Raven was working on something. “You busy?”

            “Nah, nothing important,” she put the tool and the brace aside and waved Abby in.

            “Sorry I didn’t get a chance to come back after Kane called me away; there was an emergency in medical.”

            “It’s cool,” she lied. She wasn’t mad at Abby for not coming back she just missed her. “I hope everything is okay.”

            “Just a bit of food poisoning… I think,” she added because she couldn’t be certain. “I just have to keep monitoring them, so I’m stuck here,” she threw her hands in the air and then dropped them back down.

            “Well you can hang out with me as long as you’d like,” Raven patted the side of the cot that she was sitting on. Abby smiled wider than she meant to as she took a seat beside her. “So what’d Kane want?”

            “To yell at me for helping to sneak a few kids out of camp so they could search for Clarke and the others,” Ravens eyebrows rose in surprise. Not just because of her getting in trouble but because she helped in the first place.

            “I’m surprised you did that… you’re turning into such a rule breaker,” Abby shrugged.

            “Yeah well she’s my kid.”

            “Yeah,” Raven nodded. “You gotta be careful with Kane though.”

            “I’m not afraid of Marcus,” Abby said proudly.

            “Yeah but he is dangerous, I mean how many times did he try to kill you on the Ark?”

Abby laughed humorlessly, “You make a good point.”

It was quiet for a few moments and then Abby- having nothing but time on her hands- decided to ask her about something that had made her curious for some time now.

            “Can I ask you a rather personal question?”

            “Sure,” Raven answered when her own curiosity was raised.

            “W-What happened with you and Finn?”

            “What do you mean?” Her brow was creased. She was pretty sure she knew what Abby was referring to but she was giving herself some time to decide how exactly to tell her what happened.

            “When we were… on the Ark,” she swallowed hard. “You were willing to risk your life for him and now… now you seem to not really want him around,” Raven smirked.

            “You caught that huh?”

            “W-What happened?” Abby pressed and then caught herself. “U-Unless it’s too personal for you to-”

            “It’s not that it’s just… it’s kind of a tough subject.”

            “Oh,” Abby was confused but she didn’t push anymore.

            “I don’t exactly know how to say this _you_ of all people.”

            “Me… why me?”

            “Uhh…”

            “Just spit it out Raven,” she was more confused than ever.

            “He cheated on me,” she finally spit out.

            “Oh,” Abby nodded.

            “W-With Clarke,” Abby’s eyes nearly popped out and her tone darkened.

            “ _Oh_.”

            “It’s not… I mean Clarke and I-” she took a deep breath to gather her composure. “While I was fighting the inferno of re-entry… Clarke and Finn thought they were never going to see any of us ever again… so they,” She licked her lips. She hated thinking about this, “They to-took comfort in each other.”

Abby’s features softened, “I’m so sorry Raven.”

            “But it’s okay, I mean… sure Finn could’ve waited more than ten days to give up on me,” her voice was shaky. “But hey… I was emotionally cheating on him too,” she took a chance to look at Abby and saw the same desire staring back at her.

            “A-And Clarke?” Abby tried to change the subject before she lost all the restraint she had left.

            “S-She uh,” Raven shook her thoughts clear of Abby. “She didn’t know that he even had a girlfriend,” she finally finished and Abby took her hand.

            “That still must’ve hurt.”

            “It did,” Raven sucked in a breath and Abby saw her brave expression slipping back into place before she continued. “And Clarke and I… we-we’re cool now. I mean she and I,” she stopped again and met Abby’s eyes. “She really did keep us all alive,” Abby nodded, proud. “I mean once she got Bell to stop being an ass,” this time Abby snorted. “He was a good leader, meaning he was good at inspiring the masses but he had terrible ideas,” Raven took a moment to take a deep breath.

            “That’s where Clarke came in, once he started listening to her and he got everyone to listen to them, that was the only reason we didn’t kill each other… well that and my genius of course,” she shrugged.

            “Of course,” Abby agreed with a tight smile.

            “But um… seriously I know you’re worried about Clarke and the others, I am too but Abby,” she met her eyes and for the first time since finding each other on the ground- she saw the fear of losing her daughter- much like the same look she had on the Ark. “As long as they’re listening to Clarke then they’ll be just fine.”

            “What if they’re not,” she said through a teary nod. “Or what if Clarke isn’t okay-” with that she got choked up and finally let the tears being to fall.

Raven pulled her into a hug and ran her hand up and down Abby’s back.

            “She’s fine I’m sure of it,” she said adamantly but the look in her eyes was anything but sure. “If any of us is strong enough to make it out there it’s her,” Abby’s sobs wracked her body and Raven just held her tight until the tears finally subsided.

When Abby had finally cried all the tears she could; she pulled back and met Raven’s worried stare.

            “Thank you Raven… I really needed that.”

            “I know,” she reached out and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and then cupped her cheek.

Raven was thinking about leaning in and finally expressing what they had both been trying desperately to avoid. But just as the thought struck her someone in the next room began coughing and Abby looked over.

            “I-I should-”

            “Go,” Raven finished for her and she knew that Abby was about to apologize so she continued, “it’s your job… go, I’ll see you later.”

            “Okay,” Abby licked her lips and got to her feet. As she turned to leave she stopped at the curtain and looked back. “Thank you, for…” she looked around the room. “F-For everything.”

            “Anytime,” she said with a smirk and Abby felt butterflies flutter through her before she left the room and attended to the patients that required her attention.

* * *

 

When Abby found Raven the next day for her first physical therapy session she found the girl on her feet; using her crutches to walk with a brace attached to the bottom part of her leg.

            “I see you chose to use the brace,” Abby startled her and Raven nearly fell.

            “Jeez Abs, warn a girl,” she shot her an apologetic glance. “And no that brace was junk, I told you engineers are all ego… and a little bit of math,” again Abby laughed.

            “I built this one,” Raven told her and Abby had to admit that she was impressed. “That’s why it works… I think in a few days or so, I can get rid of these ridiculous crutches, and just use a cane.”

            “Good for you Raven.”

            “And maybe once you help me get this thing working again,” she motioned to her leg. “I won’t need any of it.”

            “Well that is my goal.”

            “Are you okay?” Raven changed the subject as she sat down across from the woman.

            “Yeah I’m fine, I mean I’m always worried about Clarke but otherwise I’m fine,” there was something in Abby’s defensiveness that piqued her interest but now was not the time.

            “I just meant because of yesterday and Kane… how he came in here like he’s the chancellor and yelled at you.”

            “Oh right, that… well unfortunately Kane is the acting chancellor until there is a new vote.”

            “Gross,” Raven groaned and Abby giggled. “I think it should be you.”

            “I think you’re bias,” Raven shrugged. “But I appreciate it all the same.”

            “If you say so.”

            “And as for Kane, he yelled at me but I think that’s the extent of it… I hope at least. His being chancellor is a pain in my ass,” this time it was Raven who giggled.

            “Careful Abs, you’re starting to sound a lot like me.”

            “Well great minds think alike.”

They stared at each other for several moments until Abby was the one who broke the comfortable silence.

            “So are you ready for this?”

            “I-I don’t know, what does it involve?”

            “Stretching, exercise… and a lot of pain,” she answered honestly.

            “My three favorite things,” Raven grumbled sarcastically but the fear was obvious in her tone. Abby pretended as though she didn’t hear it but they both knew.

Once they started the work on Raven’s leg; it nearly killed Abby to cause Raven to scream in pain again.

Every time Raven screamed Abby stopped but Raven would shake her head no and tell her to continue.

After only a half an hour Abby stopped because she knew Raven couldn’t take anymore. Raven again tried to stop her but Abby merely got to her feet and walked out of the room.

When Raven found her a few minutes later; she was outside, a few feet away from the clinic. Raven could tell that she was crying.

            “Hey,” she hobbled on her crutches over to the woman; but Abby turned away. “Look at me Abs,” she begged and after a few moments she finally did.

What Raven saw was tears streaming down her cheeks. She moved closer and after steadying herself so that she wouldn’t fall she cupped Abby’s face with both her hands.

            “Please don’t cry,” she whispered.

            “Raven, hearing you scream like that… hurting you I-I can’t do it anymore,” Raven nodded.

            “Okay well… maybe someone else can help me with therapy,” Abby nodded. “Maybe Jackson,” Abby nodded again as Raven wiped the tears off her cheeks.

            “I’m sorry honey, I know I told you I could help and I want to but… I just can’t keep hearing you scream in pain and knowing I’m the one who caused it… I hear it in my dreams.”

“Oh my god,” Raven whispered as everything hit her at once. “You have nightmares about,” she trailed off when once again Abby nodded. “I’m so sorry.”

            “You’re sorry,” Abby’s teary eyes met hers. “What on Earth do you have to be sorry for?”

            “For asking you to do it, for knowing that it would hurt you and asking you to do it anyway, I mean you told me Abs and-”

            “Yeah you told me, you told me that I was the only one who could do it… and you were right.”

            “Yeah but I never put too much thought into what it cost you. Once it was over and you were fine… a-and we were fine, I thought that was it. I didn’t know it was haunting you.”

            “Because I didn’t want you to know.”

            “Abby,” Raven’s eyes searched her face. “We have to talk about what is happening between us.” Abby met her eyes and shook her head no.

            “We can’t,” she looked around camp. There were people there everywhere and no one was paying much attention to them, but still… now, here… they couldn’t. “Now’s not the time Raven.”

            “When then?”

            “I-I don’t know,” she stammered. “We do need to talk but there is so much happening and I-”

            “I think I’m in love with you Abby,” she cut her off and Abby’s mouth dropped open.

 _Did she just say… did she say_ \- Abby’s thoughts were all over the place and her head was spinning. She knew she should say something back; but words wouldn’t form in her brain never mind her mouth.

She closed her mouth and then opened it again.

            “Abby,” Raven’s tone was desperate… she needed Abby to say something, anything. “Say something… please.”

And Abby was about to but once again they were interrupted.

            “Raven I-I might feel-”

            “Abby,” Kane’s voice was like a knife to Raven’s chest because she knew he was going to take Abby away again and she’d probably never get to hear the end of that sentence.

            “I need to speak with you… Now!” He ended the sentence with a shout and Abby jumped slightly.

Abby leaned closer to Raven and whispered, “We’ll finish this later, I promise,” Raven swallowed around the lump in her throat and nodded; a single tear slipped down her cheek.

Abby turned around to leave with Kane.

            “What do you want now Marcus?”

~

_“Got these paper wings, but they don’t hold the air; get so close to somebody, but I don’t stay there. Much less brave than I admit, much more scared than they all think, but I’m protecting the organ in my chest. Cause the blood, sweat, and tears; they can make quite a mess.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and lyrics come from the song Lone Ranger.


	6. Everything's Alright When You're with Me

Later never came because Kane was constantly taking Abby’s time with something or another but what Raven didn’t know was that Abby was about to be punished for her part in letting the search party out.

And Abby being who she was had taken the full blame not wanting David Miller to be in trouble as well. He had tried to talk her out of it but she told him that she was safe because she was a member of the council and to not worry about it.

Little did she know; Chancellor Kane was about to make an example out of her.

But of course Raven didn’t know that either.

She was sitting in the work shop working on the piece of crap crutches that Sinclair had made for her when she heard a commotion outside.  She followed the noise and saw Major Byrne leading Abby to the clearing near the entrance to camp. She followed the crowd and caught up with Jackson.

            “What’s going on?” She whispered but he just shook his head; he wasn’t sure.

            “What is this?” They heard Abby ask Kane and they both paid attention.

            “I’m sorry it had to come to this Abby… but you left me no choice,” was his answer and they stared at each other. Raven didn’t know what was about to happen but she didn’t like it.

And that was when Major Byrne began speaking to the crowd, “Abigail Griffin has confessed to aiding and abeding known criminals; and trafficking firearms… under the laws set forth in the exodus charter on the Ark; she’s been sentenced to ten lashes.”

            “What?” Raven screamed from the crowd. “You can’t do that!” Abby winced at the sound of her voice. She hated the thought of Raven witnessing this.

She pushed Raven to the back of her mind or else she wouldn’t be able to do this, “You can’t be serious?” She stared at Marcus.

            “On your command, Chancellor Kane,” Major Byrne spoke when it was clear Kane wasn’t going to say anything. Raven and Jackson stared in horror as they strapped Abby by seatbelts from the Ark to the two trees near them.

            “You can’t do this,” Raven’s voice cracked through her vibrato and she looked over at her. When they locked eyes Abby shot Raven a small grin and saw tears streaming down her face.

            “Raven honey, please don’t watch this… I beg of you.”

            “Abby,” she cried but then Abby turned her attention back to Kane.

            “We don’t have to do this down here,” Abby tried but he only stared for a moment before speaking.

            “Proceed.”

When Major Byrne issued the first lashing Raven screamed out just as loud as Abby had.

            “NO!! Stop… you can’t,” she rushed toward them but was caught around the middle by Sinclair.

            “Raven don’t,” he whispered and Major Byrne looked over.

            “Get her out of here,” she directed and he did as he was told.

            “Again,” Kane told her and she issued another lash,” Abby screamed and Raven cried as she was being dragged away.

Knowing that Raven was gone, Abby locked eyes with her best friend… Jackson and he tried to keep the hurt and disgust off of his face for her but he failed. It didn’t matter; she continued to look to him for support as Kane repeated again and again over and over until the ten lashes had been issued.

* * *

 

Raven was a sobbing mess by the time she got forced back to her quarters by Sinclair. She promised him she wouldn’t go back and she didn’t because she couldn’t bear to watch that any longer. However, he didn’t leave until he knew they would be done.

And when he did leave, she immediately headed out to medical knowing that was where they would bring Abby after torturing her.

And she was right.

As soon as she walked through the curtain she saw Abby sitting on a cot leaning over; Jackson was behind her administering something to ease her pain and clean the wounds.

            “H-Hey,” her voice broke as the tears threatened to come back.

            “Raven, what are you doing here?” Abby was also fighting tears.

            “I-I needed to make sure you were okay,” she walked tentatively over to where they were and looked at Jackson. “I know I’m not a medic or anything… b-but can I please do that?” He nodded and quickly showed her what needed to be done before he left them alone.

            “I’m so sorry this happened to you Abs,” she husked through her tears and Abby nodded.

            “It’s okay Raven,” she lied. “Well it’s not okay, but I will be,” once Raven was done cleaning the wounds she stared at Abby’s beautiful and now marred back and she thought about all they had been through.

All they had said.

All they hadn’t said.

And she couldn’t hold back anymore.

She pressed her lips to Abby’s shoulder blade; just above one of the marks and felt Abby shiver under her touch. She moved her mouth and pressed another gentle kiss to the middle of her back careful not to touch any of the wounds; and felt the woman shudder again.

            “Raven,” Abby warned though her tone and her body’s reactions to Raven told another story.

            “No Abby,” she stopped her. “J-Just let me love you,” the words were soft; almost inaudible but Abby heard her. And she didn’t stop her again.

Kiss after kiss, Raven was healing her and setting her on fire at the same time. The last kiss was almost in the same spot as the first but this time Abby turned her face and once again Raven couldn’t help herself.

She moved from behind Abby to stand beside her and looked briefly in her eyes before she leaned in and pushed her lips against Abby’s in the first kiss they’d shared since that brief and incredible moment on the Ark.

When Abby sighed into her mouth; her resolve crashed around her and Raven knew they were once again on the same page.

She turned into her and felt Abby sit up a bit more.

The kisses were just pecks, small declarations of feelings they only just now have begun to explore, and Abby changed that when she cupped Raven’s cheek and slid her tongue out between her lips.

Raven felt it and welcomed it with a noise that was a cross between a sigh and a moan. Abby didn’t care what it was she just knew she liked it and wanted to hear it more and more.

Abby turned into her fully and Raven leaned against the cot to take pressure off of her leg as one hand landed on Abby’s hip and the other on her shoulder. She was being purposefully careful with her because she didn’t want to cause any more pain.

            “Raven,” Abby pulled out of the kiss as she tried to come to her senses. “W-What are we doing?” She was still close; in fact their foreheads were still touching.

            “Feeling,” was her response. “We’re finally feeling… what we’ve been denying from ourselves and to each other, Abby I lo-”

Before she could say it again, because Abby couldn’t bear to hear it right now or all her walls would come crumbling down; she kissed her again.

She kissed the words they both knew they both felt away in order to just feel them.

It had been so long since Abby had let herself get lost in the feeling of someone’s touch. Even with Jake on the Ark, it was more about finding love rather than lust and why couldn’t it be both?

Abby pushed any and all thoughts of that away and just lost herself in feeling.

In feeling Raven.

And they kissed; it was gentle, and full of the lust they had been holding back since the days on the Ark. Raven tangled her fingers through Abby’s hair and melted into her touch. And for Abby it was like nothing she had ever felt before.

Raven was a lot younger than her but she never considered her a kid.

Pretty much from the moment she met Raven, she considered her an equal; which made it even more difficult when she realized she was falling for her… because she was so young.

But Abby wasn’t thinking about that now; no… now she was thinking about her deft tongue as it glided alongside her own. How it felt to have her hands on Raven’s hips and pulling her closer. She wanted more, this wasn’t enough.

She wanted all of her.

But now was certainly not the time.

Before things could get even more out of hand than they already were she pulled away.

            “Raven we can’t,” she said as she watched the girl’s eyes flutter open, her chest heaving labored breaths and it was honestly the most beautiful sight Abby had ever seen; in this kind of moment anyway.

            “Please don’t say that, I need you Abby.”

            “I need you too Raven,” she husked in that deep, sexy tone that was always driving Raven wild. “But now… is not the time,” Raven nodded and finally let her senses come back to her.

And it was good timing too because a moment later; Jackson poked his head back into the room.

            “Sorry to interrupt Abby, but Kane is here to see you.”

            “Fuck him,” Raven was ready to pounce but Abby held her back.

            “Raven, he is still the chancellor and he can order the same thing done to you,” Raven let her anger subside a bit. “I couldn’t stand it if… that happened to you,” she was battling tears again. “You’ve been through enough,” Raven cupped her cheek.

            “So have you Abs,” Abby nodded. “But I promise I’ll be good.”

            “No,” her words were final and Raven’s eyes widened. “Please baby,” the term made Raven’s stomach flutter. “Please leave… I promise I’ll fill you on everything. I just can’t get through this and worry about you too.”

Raven sighed and a moment later she nodded, “If you need me… I’ll be in my bunk,” Abby cracked a smile and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

            “Thank you,” she whispered. As Raven left she passed Kane and shot him the deadliest glare she could muster.

Once she was gone; and Kane had entered the room, Abby looked at him, and hopped off the cot. “So did it work?” Kane met her eyes and was confused for a moment; she continued, “Is the rest of the camp back in line?”

He frowned and looked to his feet, “This wasn’t something I-I considered lightly.”

“You don’t have to justify yourself,” her voice broke as she said it but she remained adamant to get through this with the toughness he’d always seen from her. “I broke the rules and I accept the consequences.” She stepped closer to him, and he swallowed hard. “But you can lash me a hundred times and I am still going to do whatever it takes to find those kids… my kid.”

“I know that,” was all he could say.

“Then I guess we’re done here,” she then stepped away from him and walked around the cot she had just been on. He moved closer.

“I’m leading a mission to bring them back,” this surprised Abby but she didn’t turn around. “This won’t be a bunch of kids looking to start up a fight; but a diplomatic mission to make contact with the grounders commander and negotiate for peace,” those words caused her to turn around and finally look at him, “I’m taking the grounder prisoner with me to guide the way.”

“Marcus he could be leading you into a trap.”

“Perhaps, but it’ll give us a chance,” she swallowed hard trying not to show him her fear for him; he didn’t deserve that from her, especially right now. When it was clear she wasn’t going to say anything he continued, “I did hear you, you know.”

            “Then I’ll go with you,” she declared and he automatically began shaking his head.

            “No… no, no,” he then looked down into his hands. She could see he was holding something but she wasn’t sure what it was. “You’re needed here at camp.”

“Jackson can handle medical.”

“It’s not just your medical expertise that will be required. I need to know that while I’m away, you’ll set a good example for our people.”

“If you do this I’ll be a model citizen,” she promised.

Anything to bring those kids home.

“I need you to be more than that,” he told her adamantly, I need you to be chancellor,” with that she sucked in a breath of surprise as he handed her the chancellor pendant. She took it. “Please Abby… for your people.”

She didn’t answer with words but with a slight head nod.

            “Okay, the search party will be leaving soon,” and just as quickly as he had come in he was gone.

She looked down at the pendant in her hand as a small grin spread across her mouth.

* * *

 

As soon as Kane and the others were gone on their mission; Abby went on a search for Raven. When she didn’t find her in her workshop she went to her quarters.

She knocked once on the door and a moment later Raven opened it.

As soon as she saw the girl who was quickly becoming one of the most important people in the world to her; she collapsed into her arms. And once again Raven showed how strong she was by holding her tight while Abby finally let the tears fall.

After getting all the tears out Raven was sitting on her bed and Abby was lying on it; her head in Raven’s lap.

Raven was stroking her hair as they talked.

            “What did Kane want?” She finally asked, trying to keep the anger out of her tone. But of course Abby saw through it.

            “He told me he’s going on a mission to find the rest of the hundred,” Raven nodded though Abby couldn’t see it. “And in his absence, he made me Chancellor.”

Raven let out a humorless laugh, “First smart thing he’s ever done.”

Abby could hear the disdain in her tone but she knew it was because of her- and what Kane had done to her- so she really couldn’t be upset. And if she were being honest, she mostly felt disdain for him these days as well. He was not the same man that was married to her best friend; he was filled with a rush of power on the Ark and it seemed to be more of the same down on Earth.

When Raven spoke again it pulled her out of her thoughts; “But seriously what kind of man does what he did to you one minute and then gives you his job the next… he’s an idiot,” she finished the sentence with a flair that had Abby actually laughing.

            “Thank you Raven,” she said softy as she felt tired and for the first time in a very long time she felt safe enough to actually let go; and sleep.

Really sleep.

            “For what?”

            “For being here,” she whispered and Raven knew within a moment she was sleeping. Raven leaned down and placed a kiss to her temple.

            “I love you Abby,” she whispered and wished that maybe just once; she’d hear those words said in return.

But for now, this was enough.

~

_“Now I’m alright, now I’m alright, everything’s alright; cause it feels like I’ve opened my eyes again. And the colors are golden and bright again. There’s a song in my heart, I feel like I belong, it’s a better place since you came along.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and lyrics come from the song Better Place.


	7. You're All I Never Knew I Needed

Raven was still tired.

When she had woken up that morning Abby was already gone and it took her a moment to compose herself so that she wasn’t mad at her for leaving.

She knew how important Abby was; especially since she was now chancellor; she tried not to take it personally.

She grabbed her- now much better working- crutches and headed out to medical. She was thinking that she may as well cause herself a lot of pain while trying to keep Abby off of her mind.

And try to get her useless leg to work again.

She was struggling; as she tried to move a piece of rubber that was strapped to the cot with her leg but it wasn’t working. She couldn’t do a damn thing with it. Frustrated she began punching her leg because she wanted to at least feel something.

She was happy when Sinclair entered the room and asked her to work on a radio beacon for him. She had been going crazy without anything to do. All she could think about was that since she was a cripple there was no use for her and maybe they’d kill her off first if necessary; like they had done on the Ark.

She once again shook those thoughts away; and after thanking Sinclair she hobbled into the work shop where to her great disdain she found Wick there.

Kyle Wick- engineer extraordinaire and complete meat head.

She rolled her eyes at the sight of him and bit back her anger when he told her they’d be working together on the beacon; she has figured as much when she saw him.

He looked down at the brace on her leg, and smirked.

“I see you got my gift,” she stared at him for a moment as she thought about what to say.

Sure, he had made the brace for her; and even though she had to fix it in order for it to work she still had it because of him and that annoyed her.

“And what do you know… it holds?” He watched her with a slight grin on his lips.

“Barely,” she shot back and he threw his hands in the air.

“Whatever my design works, you can at least admit it.”

“Whatever… this thing was offensive to mechanics everywhere… But now it actually works,” she deadpanned before walking right back out of the shop, fighting tears.

She heard him laughing as she left and that annoyed her even more.

/

She took a seat outside the mess hall on one of the make shift seats and fought the tears. She couldn’t figure out why she was suddenly upset; but Wick trying to help her was making her angry. She wished Abby was here but it seemed as though the woman was avoiding her.

A thought that was proven a moment later when Abby walked by and Raven waved her over. Abby merely smiled and pointed toward medical.

“She must be busy,” Raven told herself. She was still fighting the tears- now for a different reason- as she admitted to herself that it obviously wasn’t true. “Yeah okay Raven, keep telling yourself that.”

She got back to her feet and headed back to the shop. As much as she wanted to punch Wick in his smug face; at least there she was useful.

And not being avoided.

* * *

 

In medical; Abby was doing everything in her power to keep herself busy so that she didn’t go after Raven and tell her that she felt the exact same way and that she was sorry for avoiding her. That the reality of this was a little too much to handle at the moment with everything else going on.

But she couldn’t do that; she was a coward.

She nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard a voice behind her.

            “Stop being a coward,” she clutched her heart as Jackson echoed her thoughts.

            “Jeez Jackson you scared the hell out of me.”

            “Sorry,” he felt bad about that but he tightened his resolve on his reason for being there. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re being a coward.”

            “Jackson… we are not talking about this,” she tried to push past him but he gently grasped her arm and she turned back.

            “You’re a coward,” he repeated and she fought the tears.

            “I know I am,” she admitted. He let go of her arm and tugged her into a hug.

            “Abby, you’ve never been as happy as you are when you’re with her… not even with Jake,” those words caused her to pull out of the hug.

She was realizing that he was right.

            “You’re right,” she finally said and he only nodded.

            “Why not just be happy, I mean don’t we deserve it,” she nodded again.

            “But people-”

            “Who the hell cares what people think,” she smiled because they knew each other so well he was practically reading her mind. “You are both grown ass adults, who cares how many years are between you.”

            “Careful,” she warned in a teasing tone and he smiled.

            “I’m just saying… stop ruining the only thing that is making you happy, and go get your girl,” she actually laughed at that.

            “Okay, I’ll see what I can do,” she walked toward the plastic curtain but turned back. “And Jackson,” he looked over. “Thank you,” with that she was gone and he smiled.

            “You’re welcome.”

* * *

 

What Abby heard when she got to the work shop made her stomach turn; it wasn’t quite flirting but it wasn’t entirely just friendly either. She listened for a few moments before jealousy got the better of her and turned to leave.

She needed to get herself under control before facing Raven; there was no need to act like a caveman and that was exactly what she’d do if she went in there right now.

She was pacing outside of the shop and off to the side; so when Raven came out carrying a pack on her shoulder and Abby was glad she hadn’t seen her. However, she couldn’t stop herself from eavesdropping as Wick followed Raven.

“Come on Raven, elbow grease ain’t gonna fix this,” he called to her.

“What would you know about elbow grease?” Raven retorted and Abby literally growled in jealousy. Thankfully no one heard her.

She watched- and so did Wick- as Raven fixed the face mask on her head and began to climb the radio tower to try and fix whatever was wrong; Abby presumed.

She watched as Raven struggled to climb and was closer and closer to tears with each attempted step.

She watched as Raven’s self-esteem crumbled under the weight of feeling useless.

She watched as Raven gave up and climbed back down and her heart broke for her.

“Come on let’s go back in and think it through,” Wick offered.

“Leave me alone Wick,” she handed the equipment to him as she walked off. He turned toward the shop and Abby watched him go.

Then she looked back at Raven and saw that she was heading for her bunk. Making a decision before she could again talk herself out of it; Abby followed.

Once inside the safety of her room Raven threw her crutches clear across it as she broke down in tears. She stumbled and didn’t realize it was Abby who caught her until she spoke.

            “It’s okay Raven, I’ve got you,” she tried to comfort her but Raven pushed her away and frantically wiped her face.

            “What are you doing here?” She shouted; she hadn’t realized she left her door open and Abby must’ve closed it when she followed her in. “I thought you were too busy avoiding me.”

            “I’m sorry about that I really am,” Abby promised.

            “Oh are you?” Raven felt her tears forming again and Abby stepped closer. Raven tried to push her away but didn’t have the strength while also holding herself up without a crutch.

            “Why?” She cried. “Why when I thought everything was finally good between us are you avoiding me?”

            “Because I’m scared,” Abby admitted; her voice cracking.

            “Of what?” Raven shouted. Abby stepped closer and cupped Raven’s cheek. Raven wanted to push her away again but she couldn’t… not after everything she’s dealt with today.

Not when all she wanted to do was pull Abby closer and never let her go.

            “I’m scared because I’m in love with you Raven,” she finally said and that was all it took; Raven began crying. “And I’m so sorry for leaving you and letting the fear win,” she continued but Raven just frantically wiped at her face again.

            “Say it again,” Raven husked barely above a whisper and for a brief moment Abby was confused but then she realized what Raven needed.

            “I love you… I’m in love with yo-” before she could finish Raven’s lips had crashed into hers; hard… so hard that their teeth clanked together. But the bruising kiss didn’t last as Raven quickly slowed it down to a much slower and gentler kiss.

            “I’m sorry,” Abby repeated as she pulled back and wiped Raven’s face.

            “I forgive you,” she replied with a small grin and Abby felt like she was whole again.

            “In the interest of being honest; I want you to know that I witnessed what just happened out there and-”

            “I don’t want to talk about it,” she cut her off.

            “I overheard you and Wick in the shop and I got jealous,” Abby admitted which caused Raven to smirk.

            “What?”

            “I came looking for you to apologize and I overheard heard you and him… and your flirty banter,” Raven curled her lip at the thought. “And I was so jealous I wanted to claw his eyes out,” again Raven smiled and Abby shook her head. “Nope, you’re not allowed to like that I was jealous.”

            “Yes I am,” Raven told her but she curled her arms tighter around Abby’s waist. “But I promise that what you heard wasn’t flirty anything.”

            “Are you sure?” Raven couldn’t say she hated seeing Abby worried about this but she also wanted her to feel secure about her feelings for her.

            “Yeah, he’s a meat head and gross, and so fucking arrogant,” Abby chuckled. “And no thank you… he annoys me most of the time, but really Abs, he’s just a friend.” She gave her a quick peck and Abby responded with a slight moan. “Besides I like what you have to offer much better.”

            “Is that so?”

            “Mm,” she hummed. “I like your soft curves, and your gentle soul and your hands… oh those hands, I’ve dreamt about them,” Abby blushed hard and Raven leaned closer, “just wanted you to know what real flirting looks like,” Abby smiled and then they were kissing again.

* * *

 

Raven felt much better when she returned to the shop later that day.

Her rendezvous with Abby didn’t last very long because as usual she was called to medical but she had promised Raven she would be at her bunk later that night; and instead of sitting around waiting like a love struck fool Raven decided to give the beacon and Wick another chance.

            “You’re bringing me down Reyes,” he said as she stared longingly out the window at the tower; she was trying to figure the damn thing out. “Hey you know why you’re working on the beacon?”

            “I’m not,” she turned back to him.

            “Because I asked for you,” he continued. He was trying to get her back into the game. “You’re the best mechanic we got.”

            “Go me… exactly three mechanics made it to the ground,” she walked by him and he followed.

            “You were top three on the Ark too, I say this even though you refuse to acknowledge the ingenuity of my designs,” he reached out and gently grasped her arm. “Stop.”

She shrugged his hand off and he let her go, “Listen you have a first rate mind, you do… use it,” she shot him a nasty look. “Your leg’s messed up and that blows. Figure out a way to work around it?”

            “How do I do that?” It was barely above a whisper and he saw the fear in her face.

            “You could let your friends help, for one… the rest is up to you,” with that he walked away.

            “You’re not my friend,” she teased as she took a seat and heard a chuckle from where he now was on the other side of the room. She looked back at him and watched as he sucked in a breath of helium to try and make her laugh.

            “You’re welcome,” he called in a high pitch squeal.

            “Helium,” she shouted as the idea hit her.

            “Argon,” another squeal and she looked at him like he was crazy. “What are we not just tossing out noble gases?”

            “No, you idiot… I know what we have to do to raise the beacon,” with that she left and he followed her out.

* * *

 

Raven noticed Abby looking at them from medical as they got the beacon working and she beamed with pride when the woman smiled at her.

But a moment later, Major Byrne shot it down and ruined everything; as she shouted at them that it’s a target for the grounders.

And in order to not get shock lashed Raven turned and walked away from her.

/

When Abby showed up to her room like she had promised Raven was once again pouting; but Abby noticed the brace on her legs and no sign of her crutches but a cane instead.

            “I guess I have Wick to thank for this,” she motioned to the cane and Raven shot her a half smile; but saw the worry in her eyes.

            “Abby I promise… I only have eyes for you.”

            “I know,” she assured her. “But I feel like I should’ve built you a brace, I’m the reason you-” Raven ended that line of thinking with her finger pressed to Abby’s lips.

            “One, it wasn’t your fault… it was the bullet,” Abby nodded knowingly though she would probably never forgive herself entirely. “And two you’re a doctor… not an engineer, or a mechanic, so you couldn’t have built me a brace,” again Abby nodded because she was right. “Third, Wick built it… but I made it work enough to get rid of the crutches,” that caused Abby to grin. “And finally, the only thing I want from you is what I already have,” she finished.

Abby waited a moment as Raven stared at her.

            “Can I talk now?” She teased and Raven rolled her eyes. “One, you’re right,” Raven nodded. “Two and three… you’re right,” Raven’s smile turned smug.

            “I mean when am I ever not right?” This time Abby did the eye rolling.

            “And finally, you’re incredibly cheesy,” with that she fought a smile and Raven’s eyes widened.

            “What?” She reached out and began tickling Abby. This ended up with Raven lying flat on her back with Abby straddling her; holding her hands above her head and kissing her passionately.

Abby let go of her hands to move them to her face as her lips moved to Raven’s neck.

            “Oh god Abby,” she moaned; it shot a spark straight to Abby’s core, and left her throbbing. She quickly pulled back and Raven was suddenly afraid.

            “Please don’t leave,” she tried to hide the desperation but Abby merely shook her head no and assured her she wasn’t going anywhere.

            “I’m not,” she kissed her. “I won’t… not again,” she kissed her again but before it could get passionate again she backed off. “But I don’t think now… with everything that’s going on, with everyone still missing,” Raven saw the worry in Abby’s eyes flash and she nodded. “Now, just isn’t the right time.”

            “Okay… you’re right,” she agreed because she was. “But can we hold each other again?” Abby nodded and kissed her one last time before they cuddled together; Abby in back with her arm draped over Raven’s waist. Raven fiddled with Abby’s fingers until they fell asleep.

Much like the night before.

But with a few more assurances and promises.

* * *

 

They were awoken several hours later by someone banging on her door. Abby rose first and wondered briefly where she was until she felt Raven’s soft skin pressed against hers; and then with a warm smile it all came back to her.

Then there was the banging again.

And this time it woke Raven too, “What in the sweet hell is all that noise?” She said through sleepy eyes.

            “It’s nothing baby, go back to sleep,” Abby got to her feet but Raven was already awake… and worried.

Abby pulled the door open to see Jackson; he looked worried.

            “What’s wrong?”

            “They’re looking for you Abby and I thought you might be here so I came right over and I’m sorry if I’m interrupt-”

            “You didn’t interrupt anything… but what’s wrong?”

            “It’s Major Byrne and the guard, they brought a grounders in b-but Abby I don’t think it’s a grounder,” he took a deep breath. “I think it’s one of the hundred… c’mon we gotta go,” he was pulling her out of the room and she barely had a moment to look at Raven.

But she heard her.

            “Go… I’m right behind you.”

By the time that Raven got there she saw Abby cupping the girl’s face; and she knew instantly that it was Clarke. They were rushing her into medical and Raven was hot on their heels.

            “Is she okay?”

            “I don’t know,” Abby answered honestly.

            “Well… take care of her,” she said with so much care and concern that Abby could’ve kissed her right there.

            “I will,” she promised with a wink.

/

An hour later, Abby finally came out of the clinic and saw Raven sitting on a nearby rock.

            “You’re still here,” she was surprised.

            “Yeah I mean,” she got to her feet. “I-Is she okay?” Abby nodded.

            “She will be,” Raven looked confused so she elaborated. “She needs a lot of rest and was a bit dehydrated. So we’re giving her fluids but as for any immediate damage… no, she’s okay.”

            “Oh thank god,” she said and again Abby arched her eyebrow.

            “I didn’t know you cared so much for Clarke.”

            “Yeah well, like I said before… we wouldn’t be alive if not for her. Clarke is important, to me… they all are,” she felt Abby collide into her and hug her tight.

After a few moments of just feeling each other Abby pulled away and Raven tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

            “Clarke saved us all, she was the leader we needed… and also she’s your kid so,” she shrugged, “Maybe I care just a little extra because of that.”

For the first time in a while she saw Abby smirk.

That beautiful smirk that never failed to make Raven’s knees week.

            “It’s going to be a long night, and I’m not leaving Clarke’s side,” Raven nodded knowingly. “So, why don’t you go get some rest and come back in the morning?”

            “Okay,” Raven burrowed her face into Abby’s neck and just held her for a bit longer. When she pulled away Abby was smiling. “But please try to get some sleep,” she begged and Abby nodded.

            “I will,” she pressed a kiss to Raven’s lips and didn’t care what anyone who may have witnessed had to say about it.

And that was a big deal for both of them.

            “Good night Abs.”

            “Sleep well Raven,” she called before she ducked back into medical.

As Raven watched her go, she had every intention of going back to her bunk to sleep but she just couldn’t bring herself to leave.

So she stayed.

/

The next day when Clarke woke up and came out of the tent; Raven was still sitting on the rock. Abby who followed Clarke out was surprised to see Raven there.

Clarke spotted Raven straight away and Raven beamed at the sight of her.

“Hi,” Clarke said to her.

“I’ve been waiting out here all night,” she pulled Clarke into a hug. “Abby said you needed sleep.” As Clarke backed out of the hug, she noticed the brace on her leg and the cane in her hand.

“Raven I-”

“It sucks but I’m dealing with it,” she cut her off before Clarke could apologize for something that was not at all her fault.

* * *

 

Raven knew helping Clarke and the others out of camp would cause Abby to be really mad at her but she had to do it; they needed to get the rest of the hundred out of Mt. Weather before something really terrible happened to them.

She was sitting outside the mess hall drinking some of Monty’s moonshine that Octavia had given her; when Abby stormed over on a mission.

She thrusted the note that Clarke wrote to her on the table in front of Raven.

            “Did you know about this?” Raven looked at the note and then back at Abby.

“Abby,” she began but the words stuck in her throat because of how Abby was glaring at her as she sat down across from her.

“Tell me where they went and you won’t be in trouble.”

She shook her head, “Abby I-”

            “Someone let them through the fence… someone gave them guns.” She could hear the worry and desperation in her tone and she felt bad; she stood by her decision but she felt bad for Abby.

            “I don’t know what you’re talking abo-” she lied and in her desperation Abby reached back as if she was going to slap her for lying but stopped herself.

She loved this girl, she couldn’t hit her; her eyes filled with tears and she dropped her hand and fell back to her seat.

Abby dropped her head into her hands as the tears fell down her cheeks. When she looked back at Raven she saw tears swimming in her eyes as well. Raven pushed her drink toward her; and Abby sniffed it before she drank it all in one gulp.

She didn’t know where she had gotten the moonshine but she was thankful for it.

            “I’m so sorry for doing this to you Abby,” Raven finally admitted and the woman met her eyes. “I promise I wouldn’t have done it if there was another way.”

            “There has to be another way… I just got her back,” she was fully crying now. “She thinks that because of what she’s been through that she’s changed, but she’s still just a kid.”

            “You’re wrong Abby,” she met her eyes, “She stopped being a kid the day you sent her down here to die.”

            “That was harsh Raven,” Abby felt betrayed.

            “I know, and I’m sorry but,” she swallowed hard. “You weren’t down here.”

            “I’m aware,” Raven saw the veins in her neck pulsating and she knew Abby was pissed at her; deservedly so. But she had to fix it.

            “It was kill or be killed… but then Clarke stepped up, she got Bellamy to listen to her and everyone else listened to him. We became a team, working together to survive the grounders,” Abby softened. She never let herself think too much about what the hundred had gone through before they got there.

            “And then the Ark falls out of the sky and suddenly we have to do what you guys say again; suddenly the guard and the council are in charge again when they weren’t here for the worst of it,” Raven was crying and Abby covered her hand with her own.

            “It’s not that I don’t trust you Abby, I do… with my life, but I don’t trust the guard, I don’t trust Kane,” Abby nodded. “And Clarke, Bell, and the rest of them, they don’t trust anyone from the Ark… they only trust each other.”

            “Okay but why not just come to us,” Abby begged. She understood what Raven was saying but she just got her daughter back after not knowing for however long it had been whether she was alive or dead.

            “Because they don’t listen,” she replied.

            “I do… I listen,” Abby supplied to which Raven nodded.

            “You do,” Raven agreed before continuing, “But not when it comes to Clarke,” she told her and Abby knew she was right. “They rely on each other… it’s how we’ve survived this long.”

Abby didn’t know what to say so they just sat there in silence. Then after a few moments Abby got to her feet. Raven didn’t know what to do so she decided to get up as well; but Abby put her hand up and stopped her.

            “I just need time,” she said before walking away.

Raven refused to take that as she got up and followed Abby to her quarters.

            “Raven I said-”

            “I know what you said Abby but you didn’t give up on me, so I’m not giving up on you… be mad at me for as long as you need to be but I’m here and I love you and-” this time Abby cut her off with a kiss.

It was a chaste kiss only meant to reassure Raven that even though she was mad she still loved her and would always be there for her.

Then Raven held Abby in her arms right in the doorway of Abby’s room as again she cried all she could cry.

And exhausted they fell asleep once again in each other’s arms knowing that no matter what… they’d always have each other.

~

_“I’ll be your eyes til yours can shine, and I’ll be your arms, I’ll be your steady satellite. And when you can’t rise, well, I’ll crawl with you on hands and knees cause I’m gonna stand by you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As for the slap; in canon I don’t believe that it was abuse as some people have stated. However, in this story because of where they stand I had to take it out because in this story it would’ve been abuse. I hope y’all understand.
> 
> The title and lyrics come from the song Stand by You. 
> 
> The title of the fic comes from this song as well.


	8. Don't Know How Much I Can Take

Clarke and the others returned to camp when they found Finn and Murphy but what happened in the meantime left them open for a war with the grounders; Finn had slaughtered a village.

After a long argument between Clarke and Major Byrne; Abby went with her heart and agreed to let them leave once again to find the kids in Mt. Weather.

But this time she was coming along.

And so was Raven.

After leaving camp and hiking for quite some time they made it to a clearing. Raven used binoculars to look up at the mountain and she could see the radio tower but before they could decide on what they were going to do; Abby noticed that Bellamy and Octavia were missing. After sending a couple of guards to look for them; Finn threw a fit and stormed off. Clarke went after him.

Abby was left alone with Raven and the remaining guards.

            “This is not what I had in mind, when I agreed to this,” she said to Raven who was leaning against a rock and smiling up at her.

            “I know but,” she shrugged. “Teenagers man,” she said with a grin and it actually caused Abby to laugh.

            “Raven, you’re a teenager.”

            “Barely…. and plus I don’t act like one of them, that’s what you like about me,” she winked and Abby blushed.

            “That’s not all.”

            “Ooh Dr. Griffin, are you flirting with me in public?” Raven got to her feet and tugged on her jacket but Abby suddenly felt like it was too much.

            “Raven,” she warned.

            “I know, I know… you’re ashamed of me,” she turned away.

            “Raven it’s not-” but she was cut off by Raven’s suddenly frantic tone.

            “Oh fuck.”

            “What’s wrong?”

            “We need to get these tents up as soon as possible,” she was talking to the guard but they merely looked at Abby. She could see fear in Raven’s eyes and nodded for them to do as she had said.

            “What’s wrong?”

            “It’s this acid fog stuff… it kills you pretty much instantly or leaves you burnt to a crisp to suffer a long death, and it moves fast.”

            “Oh god,” Abby looked terrified. She began to think about all the things these kids have been through but then her thoughts were back to the situation; and Clarke.

            “Clarke,” said softly before repeating her name much louder. She tried to leave but Raven grasped her wrist and stopped her.

            “There’s no time Abby… you’ll be dead,” she told her and as if on cue the fog was moving toward them; luckily the guard had just finished with the tents; still holding Abby’s arm Raven tugged her along until they were safe in one tent with the guards in the other.

Once inside with the zipper up; Raven pulled Abby close and hugged her tight. Despite her worries for Clarke she hugged Raven back… she buried her face into her shoulder and held tight.

* * *

 

It had been at least an hour since they first climbed into the tent and Raven was trying to keep her mind off what happened with Abby right before the fog by focusing on trying to get the radio to work so they could find out if everyone else was okay.

            “Clarke, Clarke… do you read me,” Abby called into the hand radio and received nothing but static.

            “We’re closer to the source,” Raven said as she toyed with the radio trying to get it to work. “It’s swallowing short range now too.”

            “Clarke, do you read me?” Abby tried again while Raven continued her work. She could tell how worried Abby was and after a few moments Abby gave up, “Dammit,” she shouted and tossed the radio down to the ground.

            “Clarke and Finn know these woods.”

            “She left her pack and her tent is in it,” Abby was fighting her nerves and Raven could see that so she pushed her own anger aside in order to comfort the woman.

            “They’ll find shelter,” Raven promised.

As Raven continued to work she could hear something coming through over the radio; it was unintelligible but it was something.

            “What is that?” Abby wondered when she saw Raven’s expression.

            “I don’t know… it sounds like they’re jamming every frequency but this one, you hear that?” Abby was trying to contain her adoration for this woman. “This one’s clear.”

            “That sounds clear to you?”

            “Will be… once I crack the encryption.”

            “Okay, English Raven,” she pushed.

“It means…we’ll be able to listen in on Mt. Weather,” she was excited and Abby was full of pride… and hope.

After several minutes of waiting; Abby finally asked, “What’s taking so long?”

            “I’ve almost got it,” Raven replied. “They’re using a type of audio modulation here, like a feedback loop… I just need to pinpoint the origin of the loop, hone in on the pure transmission, I just need to find the right,” she trailed off as she continued to work and within a few moments the radio came through clear.

Abby beamed with pride and just stared at her.

After tweaking the radio for a few beats Raven smiled up at her.

            “You did it?” They were both smiling but just as quickly both of their expressions changed because of what they were hearing.

            “They’re talking about the fog… it’s a weapon,” Abby concluded.

            “Which means they attacked us,” Abby reached for the tent’s window flap and looked outside; the fog was still thick.

She called to the next tent over, “Sergeant Porter?”

            “Yes Ma’am?”

            “Build your bomb… when that fog lifts; take the tower down, do you copy?” She noticed Raven shaking her head.

            “I copy,” he answered but Abby was focused on Raven.

            “What’s wrong?”

            “We’re listening to the enemy, blow the antenna and we won’t be able to do that,” Raven told her.

            “We don’t blow it, we won’t be able to make contact with any other Ark survivors and we need those reinforcements Raven,” Abby reiterated. Raven knew that but she just smirked.

            “Tough call…I know what Clarke would do?”

Abby thought about it and decided that saving the people inside the mountain that they knew were alive was more important than trying to find people that may or may not be alive.

It was a tough call, but it was the right call.

After sitting in silence for a while it was Abby who broke it.

            “I’m not you know,” she told Raven who was still fiddling with the radio; she looked at her.

            “Huh?”

            “Ashamed of you… I’m not,” Abby’s features softened but Raven remained tense.

            “We don’t have to talk about this now?”

            “Raven we’re trapped in a tent together… we have nothing but time?”

Raven mulled the idea over in her head before deciding that she was right; now was the time.

            “Okay… if you’re not ashamed, what is it then?”

            “I just… I don’t know how to tell people, to tell Clarke,” with that Raven finally softened. “I mean you’re _one_ year older than her, she’s… she already hates me.”

            “Okay, one she doesn’t hate you,” Abby sighed because even she didn’t know these days. “Sure you’ve had a rocky relationship but that girl does not hate you, I promise,” Abby nodded. “And I agree that she’ll think it’s weird me and you,” she motioned between them.

            “Raven it’s a lot more than that; I’m old enough to be-”

            “Don’t say it okay,” Raven cut her off she didn’t want to even go there. “And you’ve always treated me like an equal, I’ve always thought of myself as that.” Abby smiled because it was true. “And who cares how old I am.”

            “I do,” Abby told her.

            “Why?” Raven was getting irrationally angry and she needed to reel it in so she moved away from the radio and layed down on the floor of the tent to calm her nerves.

            “Because I’m the one who looks bad in this… no matter what I feel.”

            “O-Okay so yeah… that’s a great idea Abby,” she looked over at her from her spot on the floor. “Just deny yourself happiness because of what people think. Who the fuck cares what people think?” She took a breath. “We’ve gotten another chance at life here, we should probably live for us and fuck everyone one else,” As she was talking Abby realized shew as right; so smiled and crawled over to her.

            “I don’t want to fuck everyone else,” Abby teased and tried to get Raven to smile.

            “Don’t flirt with me… I want to be mad at you,” Raven pouted and Abby quickly swung one leg over Raven’s middle to straddle her hips.

Raven sucked in a breath at the action but crossed her arms over her chest and refused to smile.

            “I’m sorry,” Abby tried to uncross her arms and Raven fought her. “You’re right, we have always been equals but I gotta tell you Raven, right now… you’re acting like a petulant child.”

            “You’re infuriating,” Raven shouted but uncrossed her arms.

            “And you’re cute when you’re angry,” Abby then leaned forward to lie against Raven’s chest; Raven gave up fighting and wrapped her arms around the woman and held her tight.

After holding each other for quite some time, Abby slipped off Raven’s body and cuddled into her side.

            “I am sorry for everything I said, I’m just scared.”

            “I know,” Raven responded with a nod.

            “And I will tell Clarke, I promise… and can I ask you to just be patient with me about the rest of it?” Again Raven nodded. “But no matter what… please know I’m not ashamed of you, sometimes of myself but I’m learning to get over that.”

            “Okay,” Raven said simply and then kissed the top of Abby’s head.

And they remained cuddled like that until the fog finally lifted.

* * *

 

Once the air was clear and the tents were put away; Abby sent the guards to go find the others. They were in the clearing which they all knew was the rendezvous point if they had gotten separated so Abby had no intention of leaving this spot until Clarke showed up; with or without the guard.

When Clarke and Finn arrived; Abby filled her in on why they didn’t blow the tower and how they were going to save their friends. Clarke pulled her mother into a hug as Finn began to search for the others.

Noticing that it was just the three of them Abby tried to muster up the courage to tell Clarke about Raven and prove once and for all that she was what she wanted; and was mostly fighting her own fears.

            “Clarke,” Abby swallowed hard. “I have something to tell you,” Clarke turned to her and waited for her to talk.

Raven was suddenly worried that she was about to get her ass kicked.

            “When I was still on the Ark, something happened,” Clarke looked confused.

            “What do you mean?”

            “I got close to someone… like I have feelings for them and-”

            “As long as it’s not Kane, I’m fine with it Mom,” Abby laughed and Clarke held her hand up, “and that’s all the details I need.”

            “Well it’s not Kane, but I think you still won’t be fine with it,” Clarke furrowed her brow and searched Abby’s face but before she could say anything else; the guards returned with Finn…. followed by Jaha.

Abby was stunned to see him.

/

Back at Camp; Jaha told Abby that the grounder commander was ruthless and that no one would survive if they were attacked but Clarke disagreed and demanded they let her see the commander herself. Once again it was a tough call and once again Abby sided with her daughter.

Clarke met with the commander- Lexa- and they came to an agreement because she told her that there was a way to cure reapers and that was something that they could give them in return for help with the mountain men.

After seeing that grounders could be cured from being reapers when they saved Lincoln; Lexa agreed to the coalition on one condition.

* * *

 

Everyone in camp was stunned when Clarke told them Lexa’s condition.

Finn must die for all the grounder lives he took.

None more stunned than Raven who lunged at some members of the guard who suggested they hand Finn over; and she was sent to lockup.

After hearing from Lincoln what exactly the grounders would do to Finn; Abby went to see Raven.

As soon as she walked in she saw that Raven was pacing but when she turned to see who had entered; their eyes locked, “Abby let me out of here, please.”

Abby walked up to her and stopped when they were inches apart.

            “It was stupid, I’m sorry,” Raven continued.

            “No… I don’t want to hear it,” Abby replied with a wave of her hands.

Raven’s defenses immediately kicked in, “He was ready to throw Finn out the gate.”

            “And you think, I would let that happen?”

            “I don’t know,” she huffed but then she looked in Abby’s eyes again and knew she wouldn’t, “No.”

            “The only way we’re going to make it through this is if we trust each other,” Abby told her and she could see the fear in Raven’s eyes.

            “I’m trying,” she responded as she fought the tears. And Abby knew this was about much more than Finn. She knew her biggest fear was that she was about to lose the only family she had ever had. Abby could also see her fears ran even deeper.

She was trying to trust her but she still feared that Abby was ashamed of her feelings for her; that she would never be open about their relationship.

Abby knew she needed to fix this as soon as possible so that they could figure out how to save Finn’s life.

            “She’s free to go,” she called to the guard and then met Raven’s eyes again. “If  you do anything like that again, you will be back here and you will stay here,” it may or may not have been an empty threat, but Raven wasn’t about to find out. “Do you understand me?”

Raven nodded.

She wanted to do more… so much more but the guard was there and Jaha was there; so instead of doing what she wanted to do; she just turned and left.

* * *

 

Clarke was sitting at one of the tables in front of the mess hall silently freaking out over what Lexa was asking them to do; when Abby approached.

            “Hey,” she husked as she joined Clarke at the table.

            “Hey Mom,” she was sad; Abby could see it in her eyes. The last thing she wanted was to make it worse; but she needed to do this now or she was afraid she never would.

She took a deep breath when Raven approached the table.

            “You sent for me, Abby.”

            “Yeah… please join us Raven,” she saw a confused expression to which Clarke seemed to echo in her own expression.

Raven hoped she wasn’t still in trouble but she sat and remained quiet as she listened.

            “What’s going on Mom?”

            “Look I know this is a bad time- like probably the worst timing ever- but if I don’t do this now I’m afraid I never will… and that will ruin everything,” Raven caught on to what was happening and she fought a smile.

And again she prepared to get her ass kicked.

            “You’re scaring me,” Clarke told Abby.

            “Remember what I was telling you after the acid fog about how I have feelings for someone,” Clarke cringed again.

            “Yeah,” she shook her head. “So tell me who it is… but please no details,” Abby shot her a small grin.

            “It’s…” she motioned her hand to where Raven was sitting and she waited for it to sink in for Clarke.

            “Wait… Raven?” She finally spoke. Abby nodded and Raven beamed with pride. “It’s Raven?” She repeated and Abby nodded again.

            “Yes,” she breathed out in a relieved sigh.

It was silent for a few moments as Clarke processed the information, and despite the strangeness of the age difference she found that it didn’t really bother her; she could even understand it…

Well as much as she could without allowing herself to think too much about it.

            “Clarke,” Abby pushed because the silence was killing her.

            “I understand if you want to kick my ass,” Raven told her and that made Clarke laugh. Abby sucked in a breath at Clark laughing and smiling; she couldn’t be okay with it.

_Could she?_

            “It’s weird,” Clarke began and both women nodded because that wasn’t a lie. “But if you’re happy Mom, if you’re finally happy…”

            “I am.”

            “Then I’m fine with it,” both Raven and Abby huffed out a breath of relief.

            “Ar-Are you sure?”

            “Yeah… I mean, being down here,” she waved her arms around them. “With all the crap we’ve all had to deal with especially currently,” they frowned. “If we can somehow find a way to be happy, at least in love… I say go for it,” she winked at Abby. “Let your freak flag fly.”

And with that Abby felt all the fear and tension leave her because Clarke was okay with it; happy for her even and that was all that mattered to her.

Clarke looked at Raven and then back to Abby as she got to her feet.

            “But I’m not calling her Dad,” they both snorted laughter. “Or Mom,” she called as she walked away.

Abby looked over at Raven who was genuinely happy for the first time in a long time.

            “Well that went well,” Raven said as she met Abby’s eyes.

            “Yeah, much better than I thought it was going to go,” Raven covered Abby’s hand with her own.

            “Thank you for doing that,” she said with adoration in her eyes.

            “You’re welcome… though I did it for me too,” Raven leaned in and kissed her on her forehead before she sat back down.

            “Now…what are we going to do about this Finn situation?”

            “I don’t know,” Abby answered.

            “We can’t let him die Abs,” Abby nodded because that was the last thing she wanted. “No matter how bad things ended between us, he’s my family.”

            “I know,” Abby intertwined their fingers together and gently rubbed her thumb over the back of Raven’s hand. “I know.”

~

_“You’re head’s saying danger, danger; but your heart must be drunk. And I know I don’t settle, and I know you’re not weak, but I think you can’t help it, help it; when it comes to me.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and lyrics come from the song Hey, Hey Hallelujah.


	9. Searching Each Other For the Missing Parts

Once Kane had returned from being held captive by the grounders; he, Abby, and Jaha locked themselves in a room on the Ark to decide what to do about Finn.

Raven and Bellamy paced outside.

            “They’re going to turn him over,” Bellamy told Raven; he had no faith in the council or pretty much any of the people responsible for sending the hundred to the ground.

Raven shook her had no, “No, no they won’t… Abby promised.”

            “Yes but Abby doesn’t have the final say.”

            “Right now she does,” Raven kept her faith in the woman, “She’s the chancellor.”

            “I hope you’re right,” he said but the look in her eye told him she was nervous too.

While she did have undying faith in Abby… she had zero trust in Kane and Jaha.

And she was nervous that Bellamy was right; neither of them had any idea that inside the room Abby was the only one fighting for Finn’s life.

Then after what seemed like forever, Abby finally exited the room. As soon as they saw her; both Raven and Bellamy approached her.

             “What’s happening?” Raven spoke first.

            “You were in there a long time,” Bellamy began as Abby pushed passed them but they both followed her.

            “There was a lot to talk about?”

            “What’s going on? “ Raven asked again.

            “There was a lot to talk about,” Abby repeated; this time Bellamy stepped in front of her to stop her from walking away from them.

            “Hey,” Abby eyed him carefully. “You’re not turning him over to the grounders.”

             “Step aside now!” Abby shouted and after a beat Bellamy did as he was told. Abby then looked at Raven and saw the pain and fear in her eyes. “We’re all trying to find a way out of this,” and then she walked away.

Once she was gone, Bellamy turned to Raven, “They’re going to give him up.”

Raven shook her head no; she needed to talk to Abby. Without another word to Bellamy, she followed Abby out of the Ark.

She was headed to medical and Raven followed. She had to tell Abby about Finn, about everything he had done for her; about how he saved her life.

            “Abby,” Raven called once they were inside the medical bay. Abby turned to face her.

            “I don’t have time for this right now Raven.”

            “Yes you do,” her voice cracked through unshed tears as she fought to contain them. “You need to make time,” with that she stormed off; through the curtain to the room she had been in when she was in medical. She hoped there was no one in there and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw that the room was empty.

She took a seat on an empty cot and tried to control her emotions. When Abby came into the room she looked angry. She stood across from Raven, leaned against the wall, and crossed her arms over her chest.

            “Do you know why Finn was in the sky box on the Ark… why he was a prisoner?” Raven’s voice was broken but she wasn’t crying anymore.

Abby softened a bit but remained where she stood, “No.”

            “He was saving my life,” with that Abby let go of all the anger she had been holding in. She wasn’t even mad at Raven, or Bellamy… she was mad at Jaha. She uncrossed her arms and stepped closer to Raven.

When she was within reaching distance she placed her hand on the side of Raven’s head and felt the girl lean into her touch. When Raven’s watery eyes met hers a moment later Abby melted. She sat next to her on the cot.

            “Tell me about it,” she waited for Raven to get herself together and then listened as she told the story.

            “It was my eighteenth birthday and I had passed the test for zero-g but I failed the physical,” Abby arched her eyebrow because how in the hell had that happened? “Stupid heart murmur,” Raven answered her unasked question. “I was never going to know what it felt like to spacewalk,” the rest of the story began to dawn on Abby because she had heard someone refer to Finn as ‘spacewalker’ during this whole mess.

But she didn’t interrupt, “He stole a suit and helped me go out on a spacewalk because he knew I’d never get another chance… neither of us knew that Sinclair would pull some strings and get me in anyway.” She wiped her face.

            “But the problem was… Finn didn’t know how to use the airlock and even though I explained it to him, it still got messed up and the alarms sounded.”

            “Raven,” Abby tried but she shook her head.

            “I had just turned eighteen, I was going to be floated,” she was crying again, “B-But Finn… he took the blame and,” she couldn’t continue. Abby reached behind her and pulled her into a tight hug.

            “It’s okay baby, it’s okay,” she rubbed her shoulder but then Raven pulled back.

            “I let him get sent to sky box, I let them send him down here; and the worst part… when it came time for us to launch the pod I did the same thing to you.”

            “No,” Abby shook her head. “No… I told you too, I knew the risk but I told you to launch without me.”

            “Yeah and Finn told me to let him take the fall,” she cried again. Abby fought her own tears.

            “Raven,” Abby’s voice was so soft; such a stark difference from the harshness of earlier.

            “We can’t let them kill him,” she began crying harder and Abby nodded. Raven moved to lay her head down on Abby’s legs as the woman stroked her hair.

            “I’ll do everything I can do to make sure that doesn’t happen… I promise,” Raven nodded in her lap and Abby continued to soothe her as her mind raced about what she was going to do to save Finn.

* * *

 

Clarke, Bellamy, and Raven all knew that they couldn’t trust the council or the guard. They also had the added problem of several Arkers who were trying to capture Finn on their own to hand him over themselves.

So they came up with a plan; Raven trusted Abby but she knew that even as chancellor there was only so much that the woman could do.

They decided that they were going to hide Finn.

Just as Raven was getting ready to meet the group where they had agreed to meet; there was a knock on her door and before she even opened it she knew who it was.

She smirked as she opened the door to see Abby standing there.

            “Come on in,” she waved her in and closed the door behind her.

            “Raven… whatever you have planned-”

            “Look Abby, I trust you and everything you promised but… Kane and Jaha, no I don’t trust those assholes,” Abby smiled. “And there are others who are trying to kill him themselves we can’t just let him-”

            “All I was going to say was… whatever you have planned make sure it works,” with that Ravens’ smile shone bright and quickly closed the distance between them.

Abby was surprised when she was suddenly pressed against the wall with Raven pressed up against her.

            “I’m going to miss you,” she whispered against Abby’s lips and before she could respond Raven was kissing her.

She moved her hands from where they were by her side and placed them on Raven’s waist; innocently. Raven on the other hand was far less innocent.

She deepened the kiss as one hand slid up the back of her shirt while the other cupped her cheek.

It was Abby who broke the kiss, “Raven,” she didn’t mean for it to come out as a moan, but it did anyway. The sound spurred Raven on as she began kissing across Abby’s jaw and down her neck. Abby’s hand landed on her neck and tightened into her skin at the contact. “Mm… R-Raven, that feels incredible.”

            “Mmmm,” Raven moaned in kind while she nodded her head.

            “B-But now is… is not the time,” she finally managed to say and again Raven nodded.

            “Yeah,” she pulled back and looked into Abby’s darkened eyes. “We should stop,” Abby nodded but then Raven was kissing her again and this time she didn’t have it in her to stop it.

It had been so long since they had been able to _feel_ anything; with everything going on and their lives constantly in danger. It was nice to- even if only a moment- get lost in each other.

            “Y-You’re right,” it was Raven that broke the kiss this time; and this time it was Abby who began kissing down her neck. She ghosted her lips over Raven’s pulse point before pressing an open mouth kiss there and then gently sucking.

Raven’s fingers; which had both moved around Abby’s back were digging lightly into her skin.

            “This isn’t the time,” Raven finally managed but Abby merely continued her ministrations.

            “Sometimes you shouldn’t listen to me,” Abby said between kisses to her neck and then over her collarbone causing Raven to shudder at the touch. Abby enjoyed having that kind of effect on her.

Raven smiled and slid her hands up Abby’s back dragging her shirt with her. When she felt the fabric of the woman’s bra she knew they weren’t ready for this… not when she had to be somewhere else.

She quickly pulled back and again looked into Abby’s eyes. What she saw looking back at her was desire, lust, and something that looked a lot like love; again it broke her resolve.

Their lips crashed together and this time their actions were a lot more heated, their kisses a lot more passionate, and their roaming hands with a clear destination.

Luckily a knock at the door, had them coming to their senses as they quickly broke apart.

            “Raven… Raven it’s Clarke, are you in there?”

            “Yeah,” Raven called back as she tried to steady her voice. They both quickly adjusted their clothes desperately trying to look like they weren’t doing what they had just been doing.

            “Raven,” Clarke called again but the door opened before she could say anymore. “Oh good, are you ready? We have to leave now while the guards are distracted.”

            “Yeah, I’m ready,” she answered and that was when Clarke saw Abby for the first time and her eyes widened in shock.

            “I’ll help keep them distracted,” Abby said as Clarke’s eyes darted between the two women. Sure it wasn’t a secret, and sure she had given them her blessing; but it was strange to see them… together.

Especially like this.

As she caught on to what they had been doing she turned with a disgusted expression on her face, “Ew… gross,” she began walking away. “Raven you have two minutes,” she called over her shoulder and both Abby and Raven laughed.

            “I will help… keep them distracted, I mean.” Abby told her.

            “Thanks,” she pressed a chaste kiss to her lips.

            “Be careful,” Abby pressed and Raven nodded.

            “I will,” she pulled Abby into a hug and whispered. “May we meet again?”

            “We will,” Abby promised and watched as Raven turned to leave before she herself left to go find and distract Kane.

* * *

 

Raven had no idea that she and Finn would be echoing those exact same words a few hours later; she should’ve known he was trying to say goodbye but she certainly didn’t think he’d turn himself.

Except that he did; and here they all were on the edge of the gate and watching as the grounders were going to kill him directly across from camp Jaha so that the sky people would be forced to watch.

            “They want us to watch,” Kane whispered to Abby but Raven’s head whipped in their direction; a mixture of anger, sadness, and jealousy were swirling in her eyes.

            “Abby,” their eyes locked. “Abby we have to do something.”

            “No Raven,” her voice cracked. “We can’t… we have nothing to offer,” she could see how much pain the girl was in but Finn turned himself in. There was nothing any of them could do now.

Except maybe Clarke- who was about to head into the grounder camp to see if she could reason with Lexa.

Abby wasn’t sure what it was; but Clarke and Lexa had some kind of connection. Something in which the commander listened to and respected Clarke.

If Finn had any chance of surviving this it would be because Clarke has convinced Lexa to be kind… to show mercy.

And as Clarke began to head out; Raven stopped her.

            “Clarke wait,” she caught up to her and took her hand. Clarke watched as she slipped a knife up her own sleeve.

Abby overheard Raven telling Clarke to kill Lexa; it would create chaos and they could help Finn escape. Clarke nodded but what Abby knew about her daughter that Raven didn’t was that she had no intentions of killing Lexa; it would only hurt the alliance and everything she had been working for.

They watched in horror as Clarke talked with Lexa for a bit and then ran to Finn. She talked to him as well and then she used the knife Raven had given her to put him out of his misery and make it impossible for the grounders to torture him like Lincoln had explained they would.

Abby looked away because she couldn’t bear the pain of watching Clarke’s burden and then Raven’s screams were wringing in her ear.

            “Noooo!!” Abby looked up to see Bellamy holding Raven back as she lunged forward. Then after a few moments of him holding her back she collapsed in his arms… in tears.

Kane saw the pained look on Abby’s face and reached out to comfort her; she pushed him off as she walked toward Raven.

She patted Bellamy on the arm to get his attention and he looked up.

            “Let me,” she tried to reach for Raven but he wouldn’t let her go. “Please Bellamy,” she begged. “I just, I need,” she trailed off as the tears finally spilled out and Bellamy saw in her eyes that she was trying to help. He moved out of the way and watched Abby wrap her arms around Raven.

            “Abby,” Raven brokenly cried and Abby held her tighter.

            “I got you baby… I got you,” she stroked her hair and didn’t blink any eye.

Kane and Jaha as well as the guard were looking at her holding Raven with scandalized expressions; but she didn’t care. Raven needed her and she was going to be there for her.

* * *

 

Hours later, in Abby’s room, after Raven had cried herself to sleep; Abby was sitting on the edge of her bed wringing her hands with worry.

She didn’t know what was next for any of them; especially Clarke.

But she knew her fears for Clarke was the last thing Raven cared about right now so she was trying to compartmentalize her feelings.

Her feelings for Clarke in one place and her feelings for Raven in a very different place; it was how she was going to get through this.

She heard shuffling and looked over to see that Raven was now awake.

            “Hey,” she whispered.

            “Why’d she do it Abby?” Raven’s voice was hoarse from both screaming and crying. Abby shook her head as if she didn’t know but otherwise didn’t answer. “Why?”

She knew with the second question that Raven wanted her to answer, “S-She knew it would be less painful,” she finally spoke and knew instantly that it was the wrong answer.

            “Less painful for who?” Raven screamed and pushed Abby out of the way as she got to her feet. “Less painful for Clarke? It was easier for her to kill Finn than her girlfriend?” Raven got to her feet.

 _Girlfriend_ \- Abby thought idly because she hadn’t thought that was the connection Clarke had with the Commander but that didn’t matter right now.

She shook her head clear of those thoughts and looked at the now pacing Raven.

            “No honey… less painful for Finn,” she watched as Raven looked at her like she was crazy and she stopped in her tracks.

            “What?”

At least she wasn’t screaming anymore.

            “You weren’t there when Lincoln explained what they were going to do to him,” Raven shook her head. “I was and… Clarke was. Raven they were going to do all kind terrible things to him.”

            “Oh yeah,” her tone was annoyed and a bit cocky, “Like what?”

Abby didn’t want to tell her but she knew it was the only way to make her see why Clarke did what she did.

            “Lincoln explained that first they would burn him, then they would take his hands, his tongue,” Raven cringed. “Then his eyes,” she saw tears forming in Raven’s eyes and she held out her hand for her.

            “Go on,” Raven told her as she shook off Abby’s offer.

            “He said that anyone who grieves will have a turn with a knife,” Raven cringed again. “And then at sunrise the commander would end it with her sword but-”

            “Okay… enough,” Raven was full on crying now and Abby thought that knowing would help her understand and maybe it did.

But that didn’t help the fact that he was still her family and he was still dead.

            “Come here,” Abby begged and this time Raven did. She sat down next to Abby and fell into Abby’s open arms.

Abby closed her arms around her and rubbed her hand up and down her back; soothing her as more tears fell.

Once Raven was asleep again, Abby cuddled up next to her and finally let herself cry over Clarke and what she had been forced to do.

And for Finn… and for Raven’s heartbreak.

She hoped they could get out of this in one piece.

~

_“Is this all we, all we are? All we are is spirits dancing on a lonely planet; does it ever break your heart? And I wanna know your name, wanna feel your charm, wanna feel your pain. And I wanna know your name, feel your joy, feel your pain.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and lyrics come from the song Lonely Planet (which is a bonus track on the Target edition of the Wildfire CD)


	10. My Tears Are Instruments

Raven was so confused.

The grounders and the sky people that traveled to the village were all sitting around getting ready to enjoy a feast after burning Finn’s body alongside the grounders he killed; why that was a celebration was confusing in itself… but that wasn’t what she was confused about.

She was confused because one minute they’re about to eat and then next she was being accused of trying to kill Lexa by poisoning her. The grounders were speaking in their language and then all the sky people were locked in the room by themselves; with the exception of Lincoln- who was practically a sky person anyway.

Raven was leaning over toying with the strap on her brace when Clarke approached her.

            “Raven… I need to know the truth,” she heard Clarke say.

            “I’d step back if I was you,” she warned but Clarke didn’t back off.

            “You wanted me to kill Lexa yesterday… if you tried to poison her, I need to know,” Clarke continued and Raven straightened up, turned, and punched Clarke right in the mouth. Clarke backed up as Abby and Octavia rushed over to them.

            “You’re the only murderer here!” Raven screamed through her tears.

Abby was torn; she wanted to make sure Clarke was okay but she was also worried about Raven; in the end she decided to make sure Clarke wasn’t hurt. Silently, Octavia checked on Raven.

Before anyone could say anything else Clarke seemingly began to talk to no one.

            “Leave me alone,” she shouted, “You gave me no choice, why did you turn yourself in?” They all looked over to where she was speaking and saw no one; but it was obvious by her words that she was talking to Finn.

She was being haunted by him.

Abby tried to make her feel better by comparing what Clarke had to do to what happened with Jake but that only infuriated Clarke even more.

The grounders then came storming back into the room and pulled Raven out. They tried to reason with Indra who said she asked for them all to be murdered and then they were gone again.

The rest of them were no longer locked in so they followed the group outside.

* * *

 

Raven was freaking out as two of the men strapped her to a tree and Lexa came at her with a knife. She chanced a glance around to her friends and caught sight of Abby.

Abby could see the fear and pain in her eyes but she had no idea what to do… she needed Clarke to get out of her own head and help Raven; Clarke was the only person who could reason with Lexa.

            “Clarke,” she called desperately back into the room where they had been and where Clarke still was but she didn’t respond. “Clarke please,” she begged.

Her attention was brought back to Raven when Lexa began talking, “I take no joy in this Raven… but this time justice will be done.”

            “I didn’t do it, how is that justice?” Raven argued but Lexa only smirked at her audacity and pulled out her knife. Beside her, Raven could hear her friends talking.

            “We have to do something,” Bellamy said to Kane.

Lexa ran her blade across the underside of Raven’s right bicep and Raven screamed in pain.

Abby was instantly brought back to the day of Raven’s surgery and she began crying; she felt Kane wrap his arms around her and she collapsed into them.

They watched in horror as Indra stepped up to Raven; she lifted her shirt and ran her blade across Raven’s right side.

Raven screamed again and Abby flinched in Kane’s arms as tears began pouring out of her eyes.

            “Marcus… I-I love her,” she was begging him to help somehow even though she knew there was nothing any of them could do.

            “I know,” he said with a warm smile. “But I don’t know how to help,” he was being honest and she knew that.

Gustus stepped up next; and ran his knife along the underside of Raven’s left bicep and she screamed again.

Raven felt nauseous, she felt like she was going to pass out; she heard Octavia begging Lincoln to help save her life.

            “Lincoln talk to them… these are your people,” she begged and he shook his head no.

            “Not anymore,” he whispered before he stepped closer and tried to talk to Nyko.

Raven was tensing up for the next knife when she heard Clarke’s voice. She opened her eyes to see Clarke chugging from the bottle that was supposedly poison; Lexa looked confused as she stared back and forth between Raven and Clarke.

            “Explain,” she demanded.

            “The poison wasn’t in the bottle… it was in the cup,” Clarke explained and Lexa suddenly felt like there was a target on her back. She looked around at her people.

Bellamy realized something as he looked at Gustus, “It was you,” he accused him as Lexa eyed Bellamy warningly, “He tested the cup… he searched Raven.”

            “Gustus would never harm me.”

            “You weren’t the target,” Bellamy told her, “The alliance was,” as soon as the words left his mouth Lexa realized he was right; and as she turned to look at Gustus her heart broke.

It broke even more when he admitted it.

It didn’t take the grounders very long to cut Raven down from the tree.

Raven stumbled and almost fell but she felt strong hands keeping her standing; she looked up through tired eyes and saw that it was Clarke and Bellamy.

They led her to Abby who pulled Raven close and held her tight.

            “I thought you were going to be killed,” She told her with desperation in her tone and fear in her eyes.

Raven let out a humorless laugh, “Yeah me too… glad I’m not though,” she joked and Abby didn’t even take time to think or worry; she just kissed her deeply.

After the kiss Raven slumped in her arms.

            “Love making out with you Abs… but I don’t think I can anymore,” she mumbled and Abby nodded with worry.

            “Yeah we need to stop the bleeding,” she looked at Kane and Bellamy who helped her get Raven sitting on a nearby stump. They held her up as Abby searched her pack for supplies and used water and torn up rags to wrap around the gashes on her arms and then she used some more rags to wrap around her waist.

            “It’s the best I can do until we get out of here,” she told them before she pulled a blanket out of her pack and wrapped it around Raven. “Is that okay honey… do you think you can stand?”

Raven nodded, “Barely… but yeah,” and then she got to her feet again.

Raven looked over at the scene in front of them as the grounders each took turns stabbing Gustus and she remembered what Abby had told her about Finn; it was in that moment that she realized- visualized- what Clarke had saved Finn from.

            “This would’ve been Finn,” she said softly and looked back at Clarke; she didn’t think Clarke heard her but when the girl nodded she knew she had.

            “Clarke,” Abby called to her and Clarke met her eyes. “We need to get Raven out of here…soon.”

            “Okay,” Clarke told her and even though she was still furious with her mom for comparing what she did to Finn to what Abby had done to her dad; she also knew she was right. “I’ll stay… the rest of you go.”

            “No,” Abby shouted. “I don’t want that.”

            “I don’t care what you want,” Clarke told her. “Raven needs to get medical attention, and I need to save my friends,” she glared at her.

            “I’ll stay too,” Bellamy told Abby.

            “Me too,” Octavia told her and that brought a small smile to Abby’s lips.

            “Me too,” Lincoln joined in and Abby nodded. That made her feel a little better about leaving.

 

As soon as they got back to camp the guard members who were carrying Raven immediately brought her into medical followed closely by Abby.

            “Oh my god… what happened here?” Jackson voice was shocked.

            “The grounders,” was all Abby said to him. There would be time to explain later; now it was time to save Raven from losing too much blood.

* * *

 

Later, Raven was sitting on a cot having been stitched up and having slept for several hours. She was in much better condition but Abby had yet to have come back to visit her since she fell asleep.

When the plastic curtain was pushed aside she had hoped it was Abby but it wasn’t. It was Clarke.

            “Hey, how are you feeling?”

            “Like I got all cut up,” she deadpanned but Clarke smiled. At least Raven was back to herself.

            “Well… when you’re feeling better we’re going to need you to work on something that we will need in order to get into the mountain.”

            “I’m feeling better now,” she pushed off the cot. “Let’s go,” but Clarke was shaking her head no.

            “Mom said you need rest,” Raven scoffed. “Tomorrow though,” she suggested and Raven nodded. Clarke turned to leave.

            “Clarke,” Raven called and she turned back. “I-I’m uh… sorry for punching you,” Clarke merely smiled. “I-I was too close… I couldn’t see… that you were showing mercy.”

            “It’s okay Raven… I think I needed to be punched,” she shrugged. “It’s not like I can punch myself,” and with that she ducked out of the room.

A moment later Abby came in, “How are you feeling?”

Raven couldn’t help but smile, “Lucky to be alive,” she answered honestly. There was something about this woman that caused her to lose all her bravado and sarcasm that she had with everyone else.

Abby joined her on the cot, “I’m real glad you didn’t,” she whispered.

            “Me too,” Abby reached out and cupped her cheek smiling briefly before she pulled her closer and brought their lips together in a sweet kiss that Raven smiled into.

Raven pulled back from the kiss, “So, how long am I stuck here?”

            “Raven,” she warned.

            “I’m needed Abby… my friends need me,” she pushed.

            “I know but… so do I,” she admitted and Raven couldn’t help but swoon. “C-Can you at least wait til tomorrow and get one night of good sleep?”

            “Fine,” she agreed with a huff. “On one condition,” Abby raised her eyebrow and waited. “You sleep with me,” and even though she accentuated the words with a wink; Abby knew she meant to sleep… to just sleep.

            “Fine,” she mimicked her. She gave her another quick peck on the lips before she hopped to her feet and went back to work.

And even though Raven was antsy, ready to get back to work, and help she did sleep; and she got the best night of sleep she’s had in a long time.

* * *

 

Over the next few days things became crazy.

Bellamy had gotten into the mountain; Raven was working on the tone modulators which were the things the mountain men used to contain the reapers. Clarke was spending a lot of time with Lexa and the grounders as they worked on a game plan of how to get into the mountain.

They were out training with the grounders when they were attacked by some of the mountain men; luckily they were able to get one of them and take him as prisoner.

Raven built an airlock; much like the one used on the ark and held the mountain prisoner in it as they tried and failed to get him to talk.

Clarke was reaching the end of her rope when the prisoner- Emerson- was telling them that the mountain had already begun drilling on their friends.

There was also nothing she could do about it until Bellamy disabled the acid fog and they had yet to hear from him.

Raven was working when a defeated Clarke walked into the shop.

            “We’re too late, they’re already bleeding them… it’s over,” she threw her hands in the air and let out a sigh; Raven became angry.

            “No… you don’t get to give up Clarke, you killed Finn and I didn’t give up,” she met Clarke’s eyes and saw how hopeless she looked. She was angry but she also knew she needed to get through to her. “I’m building your damn tone generator, you do your job.”

            “What is my job?” For the first time in a long time Clarke wasn’t in control of her emotions and Raven knew it was because of what she had to do to Finn, and sending Bellamy into the mountain. As always she was taking on the burden and not letting herself feel.

            “I don’t know… to come up with something,” Raven told her.

            “I have tried,” Clarke shouted, threw her hands in the air, and began pacing.

Raven turned away and began fiddling with the tone generators when they heard some crackling on the radio. Clarke moved next to her and after a few beats Bellamy’s voice came through clear and they both heaved a heavy and relieved sigh as they began coming up with a plan.

After talking for a few moments they decided to free the grounder prisoners in the mountain as soon as possible and have them to help fight.

The also still had to wait until Bellamy could disable the fog.

            “You’re doing great Bellamy,” Clarke promised him.

            “All I’ve done so far is not get killed,” he told her and she smirked.

            “Keep doing that,” she walked away and Raven watched.

            “What are you gonna do?”

            “I’m going to keep them looking outside instead of in,” she answered and headed toward the door but before she left she turned back. “and Raven…”

            “Yeah?”

            “Thanks,” she shot her a smile that Raven returned and then she left while Raven continued her communication with Bellamy as to what to look for with the acid fog.

* * *

 

Raven was trying not to go out of her mind with worry.

Clarke had just left to warn the people in ton DC about the bomb they overheard the mountain men say they were going to drop on them. Raven had to stay behind to continue her work but Abby was in ton DC; and Abby was all she could think about.

When Octavia radioed her and told her that Abby was stuck under some rubble with Kane of all people but that they were working on getting them out; Raven almost let for ton DC herself.

But she knew she couldn’t help with her stupid useless leg; and she also knew that Abby would want her there doing what she was doing to get their people out of the mountain.

Normally when Raven was focused on work she could literally forget about everything around her and get it done but right now she was struggling.

And she was never so happy to see Wick when he showed up.

            “Hey Reyes… whatcha doin?”

            “Wick, thank god you’re here,” she said and his eyebrows nearly touched his hairline in shock.

            “Wait… are you…” he pointed to her, “Happy to see _me_?” He pointed to himself and she rolled her eyes.

            “Look Abby is stuck in ton DC… like literally trapped,” he nodded because he knew that, “And I can’t go there because I have to work on this stupid tone generator and wait for Bell to radio back about the stupid acid fog.”

            “Calm down Raven,” he could see that she was on the edge of hysterical.

            “No… I need you to be useful for once,” he smirked because that was more like it. “I need you to work on this stuff while I make sure Abby is okay.”

            “Abby?” He arched one eyebrow with mirth. “Abby huh?”

            “I don’t have time to explain myself to you Wick…can you do this so I can go?”

            “Yeah, yeah go, I got this.” She was halfway out the door when she heard him, “I want details later,” and she smile because of course he did.

She didn’t know how many hours it had been since Octavia told her that Abby was trapped but it had to have been quite some time because when she got out of the lab it was dark and the guard were bringing Kane in on a stretcher, Abby at his side.

            “Abby,” Raven rushed over to her and saw Abby look up smiling at the sight of her.

            “Take him into medical bay one and I’ll be right there,” she ordered the guard who nodded and did as they were told.

Raven and Abby stood inches apart for a few beats before Raven threw herself at the woman and held her tight.

            “I’m so glad you’re okay, I was worried sick.”

            “Yeah, I figured,” Raven kissed her quickly and when she pulled away she cupped Abby’s cheek and her eyes roamed over her to make sure she was okay. “I knew you must’ve been going out of your mind with worry,” Raven nodded frantically. “But I’m okay… Kane is the one who is hurt,” she motioned toward medical.

            “Oh yeah right… go,” Raven stepped out of her way.

            “I’ll see you after,” Raven wasn’t sure if it was a question or a promise but either way she wanted it.

            “Yes,” she nearly shouted and Abby grinned.

/

Raven was almost asleep when she heard a light knocking at her door.

            “Come in,” she called knowing who it was. Abby entered looking much better than she had before; her wounds had been tended to and she had showered. Her hair was still wet as she climbed into bed with Raven.

Raven pulled her tight against her and Abby hummed, “Have I ever told you how much I love that the Ark’s showers are still functional?” Raven asked and listened to the woman’s low chuckle. “I mean you weren’t here before… everyone smelled terrible,” this time Abby laughed harder.

            “Well I’m glad I’ve made you happy,” Abby husked and Raven could tell she was tired.

            “You have,” she promised and both women knew it meant a lot more than two simple words, “Ever since that day on the Ark… when you needed a mechanic.”

            “I didn’t need just any mechanic Raven,” she turned in her arms so that they were face to face, “I needed you… more than I even knew at the time,” Raven beamed as Abby brought their faces closer and kissed her.

Raven moaned at the feeling and when she did Abby slid her tongue into her mouth deepening it; both women knew it wasn’t meant to lead anywhere and both women were content to just be together.

At least for right now.

It was enough.

~

_“Congratulations, you got what you wanted, you’re winning now. Congratulations, you got your shot and you wore me down; and I really don’t think you get it now, no I really don’t think you get it now, it’s killing me, I admit it now.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and lyrics come from the song Congratulations.


	11. You Don't Have to Hold the World in Your Hands

Abby and Raven were thankful that they were able to spend the night together after Abby was pulled from the rubble due to the missile; because by the following morning and ever since they hadn’t been able to spend any time together.

Abby was dealing with medical as well as the alliance with the grounders; she was still the chancellor and even though she had given up on trying to make Clarke accept that she still was determined to remain a part of the process.

And Raven was pretty much locked in the shop trying to figure out how to disable the acid fog; while also waiting for Bellamy to get back to her.

When last they spoke; his key card for the doors was no longer working which meant that his cover had been blown and he was running from the mountain security.

She was waiting and trying not to worry about Bellamy’s life while also trying to figure out the acid fog from her end when Wick entered the room. He was immediately arrogant and teased her about her needing his help.

She knew she did need his help- or someone’s help and he was the best choice- which was why she swallowed her pride and asked for him; and swallowed it again when he was bragging about her needing him.

After several hours of listening to Wick talk Raven was at the end of her rope; between his know-it-all attitude and his flirting; she was ready to strangle him.

Abby had a few minutes of down time while they prepared to leave for the mountain when she approached the shop; she overheard something that made her stomach turn.

Raven and Wick were flirting.

            “Like I said, we should just disable the machine itself,” she heard Raven and it stopped her in her tracks; she had thought Raven was alone.

            “Any machine like this has to have safeguards, they can’t keep a boat load of acid around without any way to neutralize it… it’s basic safety protocol, let’s use that,” Wick spoke and Abby rolled her eyes but continued to listen to their banter.

            “Neutralization is too complicated,” Raven snapped.

            “Oh please it’s a bag of limestone in the corner,” he snapped back.

            “Here you go again, big ideas with no follow through.”

             “I’ll have you know I have great follow through,” he retorted and that was enough for Abby; she barged in and surprised both Raven and Wick.

            “H-Hey Abby, what um… what’s up?” Raven greeted awkwardly and Wick merely waved.

            “Can I speak to you outside?” Abby’s voice was stern and she didn’t wait for the answer before she ducked back out of the room.

            “You in trouble,” Wick teased and Raven shot him a dirty look.

            “Go float yourself Wick,” she told him before she followed Abby outside to see what was bothering her.

Outside, Abby was standing a few feet away from the door with her hands on her hips; Raven stepped into her personal space.

            “What’s wrong?”

            “I heard you two flirting,” Raven scoffed at that. “And I got jealous,” this time Raven smirked and moved impossibly closer.

            “We weren’t flirting,” Abby arched her eyebrow in disbelief. “Well okay Wick was… but I wasn’t,” she shook her head no. “He’s gross and arrogant… and though bisexual I am completely turned off by him; not the other way around,” Abby still wasn’t happy. “And even if I were into someone like him,” she had a disgusted expression that helped Abby loosen up. “My heart belongs to another,” she winked and pointed at Abby.

Finally smiling Abby nodded, “Yeah… you’re right I’m sorry.”

            “It’s fine,” Raven waved it off. “At least I know you like me.”

            “I do… I really, really do,” Abby promised. “And I haven’t felt jealous since I was a teenager… and I’m not a fan of it.”

            “No?” Raven teased and she shook her head.

            “Yeah, me either,” she kissed her gently. “But I promise… you have zero reason to be jealous of Wick…  he’s not even the fifth hottest guy here.”

That made Abby laugh, “Okay… that makes me feel better… get back to work.”

            “Wait, why did you come here in the first place?”

            “To do this,” she cupped the back of Raven’s head and their lips collided in a kiss that left Raven breathless. After breaking the kiss Abby met her eyes. “Remember that when he flirts with you.”

Raven could only nod dumbly.

            “See you later,” Abby left with a wink and after a few beats Raven remembered what she had been doing and went back inside.

* * *

 

Hours later; Raven and Wick were back at work… this time having much more luck because they were finally back in contact with Bellamy.

Bellamy was in the room with the acid tanks and looking through a computer; reading the options off to Raven and Wick and it didn’t take them very long to figure out how to shut them off; which they explained to Bellamy how to do, and he did.

Raven and Wick both get to their feet in celebration and hug; but when Wick leaned in and kissed her; she immediately pushed him off and ran out of the room.

            “I-I’m sorry,” he called after her but she was already gone.

Once clear of the room Raven rushed to medical where she hoped Abby wa;s but was disappointed to find only Jackson there.

Jackson told her that Abby was last seen near the gate with Kane.

Raven rolled her eyes, thanked him, and left to head toward the gate.

What she saw upon approaching the gate made her want to vomit; they were standing inches apart and Kane was cupping Abby’s cheek. As soon as Raven saw this she came to a full stop and wished her eyes were deceiving her.

A few beats later; Abby felt the presence of someone else there and she turned her head. The look of hurt Raven had in her eyes instantly caused a pang in her heart and she stepped away from Kane.

            “H-Hey,” she walked closer to her and Kane walked away.

            “Hey,” Raven returned the sentiment but her tone was harsh. Abby stopped when they were inches apart. Abby raised her hand to reach for her but Raven took a step back.

            “Wh-What’s wrong?”

            “Nothing,” Raven crossed her arms over her chest. She knew she had no reason to be upset when she had just been kissed by someone else; but she had searched for Abby to tell her the moment after it happened and she found her like this… in an intimate moment with Kane.

            “Raven,” Abby tried to reach for her again, this time Raven didn’t back up but her arms remained crossed. “That wasn’t what it looked like.”

            “What’d it look like?” Raven tried to remain aloof and was obviously failing miserably.

            “Raven,” Abby’s voice was soft and she wrapped her arms around her waist; Raven finally loosened up a bit; dropped her arms from her chest, and mimicked Abby’s actions. “Kane and I were talking about this mission to the mountain,” Raven nodded. “And I began to worry about Clarke… and about you,” Raven raised her eyebrows at that.

            “Me?”

            “Yes you,” she shot her a small grin. “I don’t like the idea of sending you in there to disable the turbines without me,” finally a smile from the girl in her arms.

            “Why the touching then?” She was trying to keep the jealousy at bay but again failing.

            “Because he’s my friend and he was trying to comfort my worries.”

            “Are you sure that was all?”

            “I can’t speak for him… but that’s all it was for me,” Raven nodded and Abby could see the insecurities in her eyes. Raven was used to being let down by people. “I sort have feelings for someone else.”

Finally a real happy smile from Raven.

            “Do you?” She teased.

            “I do,” and then Abby brought their lips together and before Raven could let herself get lost in it; she was reminded why she had come to look for Abby in the first place- before her jealousy took over.

She pulled away before Abby could deepening it and Abby look confused at the sudden change; and the look on Raven’s face.

            “What’s wrong now?”

            “I-I um,” Raven scratched the back of her neck and licked her lips as she tried to figure out how to word it; especially after the mini tantrum she had just thrown. “I have to tell you something.”

Her voice was so somber that Abby became worried, “O-Okay… what is it?”

            “I was looking for you because Wick and I,” Abby rolled her eyes. “We helped Bell shut down the acid and we were celebrating and he um he-”

            “Chancellor,” before she could finish she was interrupted by Kane’s voice. Abby stepped away from Raven and turned to him.

            “Yes Kane,” Abby sounded a bit annoyed at the intrusion but he only did it because it was important.

            “It’s time,” he told her. “I just received word from the grounders… we have to head out to the mountain now.”

            “Okay… gather everyone up and meet back here,” he nodded and left. Abby turned back to Raven. “Do you have everything you need?”

            “Yes but I-”

            “Go get your things… we’ll talk later.”

            “But Abby-” this time she was interrupted by Abby kissing her.

            “Whatever it is… it’s okay,” she winked. “We’ll talk after we rescue our people,” Raven nodded and headed back to the shop.

She hated not telling Abby what happened but she had been right; their people were more important at the moment and it wasn’t like she kissed Wick back.

 _It could wait_ \- she told herself

And it would give her all the more reason to make it out of this alive.

* * *

 

Raven and Abby didn’t have another moment together until they were almost to the mountain; Abby would be going with the Kane and the guard to meet with Clarke, Lexa, and the grounders; and Raven would be going with Wick to where the turbines were so they could set up their bombs.

She and Wick hadn’t said much more than pleasantries since he kissed her and she was still tearing herself apart because of the guilt of not getting to tell Abby.

Abby pulled her off to the side as Kane stalled everyone for her.

            “We don’t have much time,” Abby whispered as she cupped Raven’s cheek. “Please be safe… I kinda like you,” she added a wink to try and break some of the seriousness of the situation.

            “I kinda like you too,” Raven told her and then they were kissing.

            “Chancellor Griffin,” Kane called and Raven growled.

            “He is such a cock block,” she huffed and Abby laughed. She pressed another quick kiss to Raven’s lips and then hugged her tight.

            “May we meet again?” She whispered with watery eyes.

It wasn’t lost on either of them that this moment was much like their moment on the Ark before Raven launched the pod; this might be the last time they see each other.

Raven pulled back and kissed her one more time.

            “May we meet again?” She repeated and they took one more moment of just looking at each other before they parted ways.

Abby left with the guard and Raven left with Wick.

* * *

 

            “If I say I’m sorry about the kiss and it was stupid of me, will you speak to me again?” Wick asked her as they had been setting the bombs up in silence.

            “It’s a start,” she shot back and he threw his hands into their air.

            “I’m sorry, I’m sorry okay… it won’t happen again,” he begged and this time Raven smirked.

            “It better not because it was gross.”

            “Way to boost a guy’s ego Reyes,” he teased.

            “You boost your own ego enough for both of us,” he chuckled at that. “And besides it’s not my job to boost your anything.”

            “Do I need to say sorry again?”

            “No,” she decided after a moment. “I accept your apology but don’t let it happen again… I’m,” she paused to think about how to word it. “I’m-I’m involved with someone okay?”

He nodded, “Let me guess… Chancellor Griffin?”

            “How’d you know?”

            “Please it’s obvious… the death glare she always shoots me, the way you turn to goo around her.”

            “I do not turn to goo,” she said adamantly and he rolled his eyes. “And if you knew about Abby and I why’d you kiss me?” He shrugged. “That’s a dick move Wick, I mean it was a dick move before I knew you knew but even worse now that I know.”

            “You’re right… I’m a dick; it won’t happen again, can we move on?”

            “I guess.”

They went back to work and finally successfully got the bombs all set but they had already been attacked by one member of security that Wick had to kill and found that there were more.

They held their hands up but continued to back away until they had no choice but to set the bombs off and risk themselves.

 Raven’s brace was damaged in the blast and so was Wick’s arm. Before they could get out they were captured and brought to the room where the rest of the sky people were being kept; either chained to the wall or strapped to a table where they were being drilled for bone marrow.

Raven caught sight of Abby as soon as they chained her to the wall and they stared at each other both afraid of what was going to happen next.

Unfortunately, they didn’t have to wait very long.

            “She’s next,” one of the men that had been drilling said pointing to Raven; as they removed a dead body off of the table.

            “No, no take me… don’t take her,” Wick shouted; fighting against his chains, “Don’t touch her.” Abby looked at him with disdain.

That was her line.

Her eyes darted back to Raven who was fighting the guards off but they used something akin to what the sky people’s guard used to lash people with- Abby all too familiar with how that felt flinched for her.

            “Don’t touch her, don’t touch her,” Wick screamed and they lashed him with the same instrument; Abby flinched for him too.

They had gotten Raven on the table and Abby was fighting against her own chains as they strapped Raven down; but she continued to fight and bit one of the guards; almost getting off the table; until they lashed her again.

Once she was fully strapped down they tore her pants to the knee of her right leg and began drilling; Abby watched in horror and screamed out almost as loud as Raven was screaming.

Until they lashed her.

* * *

 

Raven was about to pass out from the pain when all of a sudden the drilling stopped. She heard someone talking.

            “Take that one off the table,” the voice said and Raven’s tear filled eyes locked at Abby’s also tear soaked eyes.

            “Sir we’re not done,” the driller began but was cut off.

            “Now!” Cage ordered.

As they began to remove Raven she was thankful that her pain was over; until Cage spoke again. “Put her on it,” he demanded pointing into Abby’s face.

            “No,” Abby begged.

            “No,” Raven’s pained voice called out at the exact same time.

            “No, no please… hey,” Kane begged as he tried to get Cage’s attention.

            “Stop!” Abby screamed.

            “You don’t have to do this. There has to be another way,” Kane continued to beg, “No one has to die for bone marrow, we could donate it… we could donate it.”

             “No… no,” Abby continued to beg as she was strapped to the table.

             “Hey we can donate it!” Kane was screaming now.

             “That’ll never happen,” Cage told him and then nodded to the driller who tore Abby’s pants leg to the knee.

            “I can, I make it happen… with her help.”

Cage stared at Abby with hate in his eyes.

Kane kept up his pleas, “We can all survive.”

            “We can’t,” was all Cage said before he nodded to the driller.

Raven was barely standing because of the damage to both of her legs but she was re-chained to the wall and this time it was her turn to watch in horror as they started to drill and Abby screamed.

Raven winced and closed her eyes as tears fell.

/

The drilling came stopped pretty quickly when all of the mountain people began dying from what they could only guess was radiation.

When Octavia and Monty entered they began freeing everyone.

Kane went straight to Abby to release her while Raven collapsed to the ground. A moment later Clarke came in and rushed over to Abby.

            “Mom,” her voice was filled with pain as they hugged tight and both women began crying.

When Clarke pulled away she fought the tears as she looked into Abby’s eyes, “I tried… I tried to be the good guy,” her voice cracked.

Abby cupped her cheek, “Maybe there are no good guys.” She pulled Clarke into a hug and watched as Wick picked Raven up.

She pushed her jealousy aside because it wasn’t like she could’ve done it; but their eyes locked and they shared a happy smile.

Happy that they both made it out alive.

Broken…

But alive.

* * *

 

The first few nights Abby and Raven were in cots across from each other and they both had trouble sleeping because of the dreams.

Raven would often wake up in a cold sweat, still hearing the drill, still feeling the pain of it drilling into her; Abby would call her name to wake her and then comfort her.

When it wasn’t Raven having the dreams it was Abby; and Raven was doing the comforting.

Abby was able to walk first since she hadn’t endured the drilling for as long as Raven had and in the middle of the night when Raven would be having a nightmare; she would climb in the cot next to her and hold her until she calmed down.

This healing process was making them closer but also pulling them further apart because during the day they would both have visitors; Wick was constantly at Raven’s side making her smile, telling her jokes and in turn Kane was by Abby’s side pretty much the entire time as he comforted her.

It was driving them both crazy but neither of them said anything when they were alone; because when they were alone they just wanted to be together; fighting could happen later.

But with each passing day the jealousy and insecurities became worse and worse.

Abby was also constantly worried about Clarke.

The first night back in camp; Bellamy was the one who told her Clarke left and had no intention of coming back. When she asked him why he told her that Clarke said, “I bear it so they don’t have to,” which made Abby cry.

And when no one else was looking- besides Raven- she cried for Clarke and hoped she was safe.

Abby had so many things on her mind as she healed; Raven, Clarke, jealousy, being the chancellor… it was easy to just ignore it all and get better.

She’d deal with the rest of it later.

But the fact that neither of them were talking was putting a strain on their relationship.

Abby was released on the fifth day and had every intention of sleeping comfortably in her quarters but the thought of Raven alone… she couldn’t do it.

She headed back to medical.

When she got there Raven was moaning in her sleep; pained and terrified moans.

She quickly moved to her side and sat on the edge of her cot.

            “Raven,” she gently shook her. “Raven honey… wake up,” with another gentle nudge Raven woke with a start; nearly sitting up.

            “Wh-Huh?”

            “It’s okay baby,” Abby cooed and Raven lay fully back on the bed and blinked the sleep out of her eyes.

When she looked in Abby’s eyes she grinned and Abby reached up to wipe tears that Raven didn’t even know were there away from her eyes.

            “You’re okay… it’s over,” she whispered and Raven nodded. Even though logically she knew that; it helped hearing Abby remind her.

            “A-Are you okay?” Raven’s voice was hoarse- probably from the screaming.

            “Yeah,” she tucked loose strands of Raven’s hair behind her ear and stroked her cheek. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

            “Because you’re here… you were released and-”

            “And there was no way I could sleep knowing you were here alone,” with that Raven’s smile widened.

            “I love you Abs,” she said honestly and it was the first time either of them had verbally addressed their feelings ever since getting back from Mt. Weather.

Abby felt happy for the first time in a long time, “I love you too Raven.”

            “You look tired,” Raven stated the obvious and Abby nodded.

            “I am.”

            “Will you stay here with me; I can actually sleep when you’re here with me?”

            “I’d love too,” Raven scooted over on the tiny cot and Abby lied down beside her. The only way they’d fit is if they were spooning so that’s what they did. Abby draped her arm over Raven’s middle and pulled her closer.

She leant up and pressed a kiss to Raven’s earlobe.

            “It’s okay baby, I got you… you can sleep,” she whispered before settling back down beside her and Raven did.

For the first time in a long time she had a full night of sleep with no bad dreams.

And it seemed as though everything between the two women would be okay.

However, in the morning… that would all change.

* * *

 

Abby was the first to wake up and since Raven was sleeping so soundly she crept off of the cot and blew her a kiss in fear of waking her.

She adjusted her clothes and ran a hand through her hair before leaving. She had plenty of work to do with the various injured people that had returned from the mountain but first she wanted a shower.

As she walked toward her quarters she saw Wick approaching.

She knew he was going to see Raven; and though the thought infuriated her she merely walked by him.

            “Uh… Chancellor Griffin,” she heard him call and she faced him.

            “Yes.”

            “I wanted to um… apologize,” he said. She crossed her arms over her chest and was staring at him; confusion spread across her face. “I already apologized like a million times to Raven but I figured I owed one to you too… since you guys are ya know,” he began to make an obscene gesture with his hands and then remembered that he was talking to the chancellor and thought better of it.

He scratched the back of his neck and then ran his hand through the back of his hair, “Anyway I’m-I’m sorry,” she was about to ask him what the hell he was talking about but he continued. “Y-You know for kissing her.”

And Abby felt like someone had punched her in the stomach.

She managed a nod and that was enough to make Wick leave.

As he left all she could think about was why Raven hadn’t told her. What would’ve been her reason… unless maybe she kissed him back, and maybe they slept together and-

She shook her head free from those thoughts. There was no way she could work now; she needed to get the hell out of there before anyone saw the chancellor sobbing a baby in the middle of camp because of Wick of all people.

And Raven.

Her head was spinning; her stomach was turning and her heart…

Her heart was breaking.

                                                                             ~

_“If I could break away, half of all your pain, I’d take the worst of it and carry you, like you carry me. You say that you’re alright when tears are in your eyes, we’re strong enough for this and I need you, it’s okay that you need me.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and lyrics come from the song Superman.


	12. When Your Tears Fall Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry about the long delay in between postings; I was battling a head cold for like a week and couldn’t even look at my computer. That being said there is only one more chapter of this story left and I promise the wait won’t be as long this time.

 

It had been a couple of days and Abby hadn’t come to see Raven again.

Raven was going out of her mind wondering why; what happened, what she could’ve done? It was driving her insane.

She even tried to leave but Jackson wouldn’t let her. Instead she asked him to find Abby and ask her to come see her.

He said he would but he came back later and told her that Abby had said no.

It had been the longest two days but she was finally being released and Wick had shown up just as she was putting her now repaired brace on.

            “Hey Reyes… finally breaking out huh?”

            “Yeah but I gotta go… I have to find Abby.”

            “What do you mean, she hasn’t visited you today?” He sat down on an empty cot beside hers.

She shook her head no, “She hasn’t visited in two days,” and then something seemed to have crossed his mind and he furrowed his brow.

            “Uh oh,” he said and Raven noticed his guilty expression.

            “What did you do?”

            “Um… did you tell her about the kiss?” He asked and she shook her head again.

            “Why?” This time it was her brow that furrowed and she repeated, “What did you do?”

            “I kind of… apologized to her for kissing you while you guys were-”

            “You’re such an idiot, Wick.” She shouted to him as she rushed out the door.

            “Yeah,” he agreed and hung his head.

Abby was at a table outside the mess hall eating lunch with Kane.

Raven had been looking everywhere for her and when she found her she was happily eating with Kane as if nothing happened.

            “So are you ever going to let me be Chancellor again?” Kane teased.

            “Not unless you get elected,” she shot back and took a bite out of her apple slice.

            “So are you coming along on the next convoy to the mountain?” She was already shaking her head no, “I know it’s tough but we need to raid their medical supplies, and food, and so many other things plus we-”

            “I can’t do it Marcus, I just can’t,” he gave up and watched her knowingly. “Jackson will be happy to get whatever we can use,” she continued and he nodded again.

            “What the hell Abby?” They both looked up to see a very angry Raven looking between them.

            “Now’s not the time Raven.”

            “To hell it isn’t,” she shouted and Kane got to his feet.

            “I’ll leave you two a-”

            “Yeah, why don’t you do that?” Raven cut him off; her anger sharpening her words and Abby glared at her.

            “You stay Marcus,” she motioned for him to sit, “We’re leaving,” she got to her feet and gently placed her hand on Raven’s elbow guiding her away from the table.

Once they were out of hearing distance, Abby turned on her.

            “What the hell was that?”

            “Why the hell have you been avoiding me?”

            “I’m not doing this here,” she began walking away but Raven followed.

            “Where then… because I’m done with this avoidance; we’re taking care of this right now,” Abby turned again and set her fierce glare on the woman in front of her.

            “You’re making a scene,” she growled and Raven shrugged.

            “Well tell me where then,” she held her hands in the air, “Because I’m not the one who is ashamed here… I got no problems taking care of this right here… right now,” she shouted and Abby was grinding her teeth together to keep her own anger in check and keep up some semblance of respect from the rest of their people.

She stepped closer so that they were within inches, “My quarters… now!” She spat and turned on her heel. She walked as fast as she could toward her room and Raven wasn’t far behind.

Once they got to her door; Abby opened it, stepped aside, and motioned for Raven to enter. Once Raven was inside she followed; and closed the door behind her.

She turned around with every intention to shout at Raven for her display out there but Raven beat her to it.

            “So are you and Kane like… dating now,” Abby curled her lip and Raven felt nauseous. “Fuck buddies?”

            “That is ridiculous,” she shouted.

            “Really because you looked pretty fucking chummy out there.”

            “Yeah… because we’re friends unlike,” she trailed off and tried to even her breathing.

            “Unlike what?”

            “Unlike you and Wick,” she finally unleashed the feelings that she had spent the past two days keeping bottled up. It was on those words that Raven finally softened.

She remembered why she had set out to find Abby in the first place.

            “He kissed me and I pushed him off.”

            “You really expect me to believe that?”

            “Yeah because it’s the truth,” Raven told her and there was something in her eyes that told Abby she was telling the truth.

However she was angry now.

Had she not avoided this conversation they might not be in this situation right now but here they were.

            “Okay,” it was the only word she could find at the moment, because she was still angry but not for the same reasons she had been avoiding her for. She ran her fingers through her hair and tried to calm herself down enough to talk like a normal human.

            “Abby,” Raven’s voice had calmed down quite a bit as well.

            “Why didn’t you tell me?”

            “I tried,” Raven admitted and Abby shook her head because she had no recollection of when that could’ve happened.

            “W-When?”

            “That night at the gate after finding you with… who else… Kane,” Abby still shook her head in confusion. “The night we left for the mountain.”

And then it all came rushing back to her; Raven _had_ tried to tell her something that night.

            “I don’t know what to say,” Abby slapped her hands against her thighs.

            “What’s going on with you and Kane?”

Just when Abby thought that things were finally going to get better; Raven was still hung up on her and Kane.

            “Nothing.”

Raven snorted, “Yeah okay… tell me another one.”

            “Raven…” she stopped to take a few breaths. “This is never going to work between us, if we don’t trust each other.”

            “Yeah… you’re right,” and with that Raven walked to the door and left pulling the door to slam behind her.

* * *

 

Sometimes Raven hated how much pride she had.

The second she walked out of Abby’s room she wanted to go back and make everything better but her stupid pride brought her to the mess hall instead.

That was where she was sitting with a canteen full of Monty’s moonshine; one of the many reasons she was glad that Monty was back.

And she was drowning her sorrows when Bellamy of all people approached her.

            “Hey Raven… what’s wrong?”

            “I’m a screw up,” she said before taking another sip.

            “Can I have some?” She eyed him for a bit before handing the canteen to him; he took a swig and then handed it back. “Ugh, that stuff is gross,” he wiped his mouth on the back of his hand as he sat down across from her.

            “Yeah but it works.”

            “Next time we make a trip to the mountain I’m making sure we get all the alcohol,” with that Raven laughed. “So… tell me, why are you getting drunk instead of being with Abby?”

Her eyes widened, “D-Does everyone know about us?”

            “Pretty much,” he confirmed with a nod and she shook her head, and laughed at how fast it had traveled through camp.

            “Wow,” she whispered and then decided to answer his question because even though she was too proud to admit it; she really could use some advice. “Um… I kind of screwed things up with her.”

            “How’d you manage that?”

            “I acted like an ass.”

            “Oh… so the usual then,” that earned him a slap on the arm. “But for real Raven, she is probably the best thing that has ever happened to you.”

            “Yeah,” she agreed. “I know.”

            “Well then get over your shit, she isn’t Finn… she’s the real deal,” he told her with a pat on her shoulder.

            “Yeah she is… but I already ruined everything.”

            “I think you still have a shot, real love doesn’t go away because someone said something stupid… swallow your damn pride and go talk to her,” with that he got to his feet and left.

She thought about what he said and realized that he was right; Abby was worth sucking up her pride and laying out her feelings.

She downed the rest of her drink and got to her feet. As she walked back toward Abby’s room she tried to get all of her thoughts together so that she would finally get this right and not make it all worse.

* * *

 

Abby was still in her room curled on her bed crying when there was a knock on her door.

            “Go away,” she yelled through her tears but there was another harder knock.

After the fourth knock; Abby finally got to her feet and yanked the door open.

            “What do yo-” her words died in her throat when she saw an equally teary Raven standing there.

            “C-Can I come in?” Abby didn’t say anything she just opened the door wider and stepped aside. Once the door was closed Abby turned and Raven instantly closed the distance.

Abby held her hand to Raven’s chest to stop her movement.

            “I’m so sorry Abs, I’m so sorry… I do trust you, I promise.”

            “Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Abby’s voice was stern. She was hurt, that much was obvious.

            “I’m sorry I left,” she tried and Abby nodded.

            “Yeah that was the first time since I’ve met you that you’ve acted your age and reminded me just how young you are.”

            “I screwed up Abs, everyone screws up… I was hurt and jealous and I acted like a fool… please forgive me.”

Abby softened slightly because she knew she had also been quite immature when she was avoiding Raven instead of talking to her, “I’ll say this again… this will never work if we don’t trust each other.”

            “I know and you’re right, but I do trust you Abby I swear… on my life,” she was full on crying now. “I left and was drinking my feelings away when Bell approached me, he told me that you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I shouldn’t fuck it up,” Abby laughed because it really had spread quickly throughout the camp.

            “But I also realized that whatever Kane might feel for you is not your fault,” Abby nodded because that is what she had been trying to say all along. “And I know that was pretty much what you said; but I don’t know…” she threw her hands up and let them fall to her sides again. “I guess I just needed to accept it myself.”

It was quiet for several moments as both women were trying to reign in their emotions. Raven wiped her eyes clear of tears and Abby mimicked the action.

            “I will do whatever it takes for you to forgive me for walking out on you, and for the tantrum I threw out there, and for not telling you about what happened with Wick but Abby please don’t give up on me,” Raven tried to close the distance again and this time Abby didn’t stop her.

            “I didn’t intend on falling in love with you Abby but it happened… and it happened quicker than even I thought possible,” Abby nodded in kind because she felt the exact same way. “And I’m not so good with love, everyone I have ever loved has left me, and-”

Raven stopped because just like earlier Abby’s fingers were pressed against her lips, “Shh… I won’t leave you Raven… I won’t ever leave you.”

Raven pulled her into a tight hug; and for quite some time they just stood there hugging.

It was Abby who finally pulled out of the hug; she used her thumb to wipe a tear out of Raven’s eye and then ran her hand down Raven’s cheek to her chin; she tilted her chin until their eyes met.

            “I’ll go first… I’m sorry for avoiding you, instead of just asking you about the kiss,” she curled her lip in disgust as she said it.

Raven grinned, “I’m sorry for… gosh so many things,” and they both giggled; Abby released her chin but Raven caught her hand and met her eyes. “I’m sorry for not telling you, I’m sorry for today and how I behaved,” Abby smiled and gave her a barely there nod, “And most of all, I’m sorry for not having faith in you when you have consistently been the only person to believe in me, and love me, and have faith in me since coming to the ground, before that even.”

            “See how easy that was,” Abby teased with a watery chuckle.

            “I also want to promise I will stop blaming you for Kane having feelings for you,” she added.

            “Yeah that would be nice,” Abby agreed.

            “I mean, who can blame him right?” Raven tried to lighten the mood and Abby let her. “You’re so fucking sexy.”

Abby blushed, “Okay now you’re pushing it… but Raven,” again they locked eyes. “I don’t think you know how much you mean to me.”

Raven swallowed hard, “If it’s anything compared to how much you mean to me… then I do know,” Abby licked her bottom lip and then bit down on it gently as Raven continued. “You’re all I think about.” She barely had the words out of her mouth when Abby’s lips pressed against hers.

And it was like all of a sudden Raven remembered how to breathe.

* * *

 

Things were back to normal for Raven and Abby but once again camp Jaha was in upheaval. The guard and several volunteers were making trips back and forth to the mountain every other week to gather as many useable things as possible.

Ever since the grounders betrayed them they hadn’t heard anything from them; maybe they were grateful to not have to worry about the mountain men anymore and were leaving the sky people alone because of it.

Whatever the reason they were happy to have the peace. Abby was constantly worried about Clarke but kept herself busy in medical; trying out all the equipment they were bringing back as well as cataloging the medicines.

Raven was also being kept extremely busy trying to find a way to use the water from the damn to get them electricity the same way the mountain men had.

The y hadn’t seen much of each other but Raven was proving that she did in fact trust Abby by being nice- well as nice as she could be- to Kane.

Abby appreciated it; and in turn she proved to Raven that she trusted her with Wick and didn’t barge in on them working even once.

On a break Raven found Abby outside of medical talking to Kane.

            “Hey, she tugged on Abby’s sleeve and Abby looked at her completely smitten. Raven then directed her attention to Kane. “Hello Kane… may I borrow Abby for just a moment?”

            “Yeah sure,” he waved them off. “Take as much time as you need,” with that, he walked away laughing.

“He seems to be over you.”

            “Raven,” she warned and Raven held her hands up in defeat.

            “I-I wasn’t trying to start anything… it was just an observation,” she curled her arms around Abby’s waist and pulled her close. Abby’s hands fell to her forearms and she smirked.

            “Well, I may have told him to about us and he told me he already knew, so…” she trailed off.

            “So?”

            “So your theories about him were completely wrong,” she winked to show she was teasing but Raven already knew that.

            “Maybe… but I still think he would’ve jumped at the chance to have you,” Abby shook her head, “But he can’t because you’re mine… and I don’t share very well.”

            “Hm, neither do I,” Abby told her and then Raven was kissing the hell out of her. “Raven,” she broke the kiss. “We should move this somewhere else,” the suggestive look in her eye made Raven ache with want; and she whined.

            “Aw Abs, I wish I could… I have to get back.”

            “Then why tease me?”

            “Mm… I just wanted to come by and ask you if you had plans this evening.”

            “None, that I know of.”

            “Awesome… can I come to your room then… after work?” She bit her lip, her hopes were high.

            “I would love that,” Abby husked and Raven could tell she was looking forward to the evening as much as Raven was.

            “Awesome,” she kissed her again and practically bounced back to the shop.

Abby had to admit she was pretty happy as she went back to work as well.

* * *

 

Raven was pacing back and forth in her room; her hands were on her hips and she was going over things in her mind.

She and Abby were probably going to… finally have sex later, and she found that she was more nervous about this than she ever had been before.

She knew that Abby loved her and wanted her but she wasn’t sure if that meant forever or just for now… it wasn’t that she wanted Abby to predict the future but she did want to know if they had one together- if they even could with all they had been through.

She groaned before finally storming out of the room and headed to Abby’s; she needed answers to her unasked questions.

She stood in front of Abby’s door and hesitated several times before she actually felt her hand hit the door in a knock. She usually had much more control over her emotions and had much better game… maybe Wick was right; she did turn to goo around Abby.

            “Just a moment,” Abby’s sweet voice called and Raven sucked in a breath; when the door opened a second later she bit down on her lip.

This was it… she hoped she didn’t chicken out.

Abby was so gorgeous that the sight of her gave Raven butterflies.

            “Raven,” she was a little breathy and then her eyes glanced at Raven’s lips. She had to stop looking at the way she was biting her lip.

 _Oh now she’s licking them_ \- Abby quickly diverted her eyes. She had to… or else she would’ve jumped her right there in the middle of the hall for everyone to see.

            “It’s a pleasure to see you,” she teased. Raven emitted a low moan as Abby acted like this wasn’t planned date.

 _And why does she have to talk about pleasure?_ \- with those thoughts Raven pushed her way inside.

            “Sure, come on in,” Abby teased and as she closed the door she looked Raven up and down as the girl began to pace; this time across Abby’s floor rather than her own.

            “Raven honey… please stop pacing, you’re making me dizzy.” Raven instantly stopped pacing; and she was met with those beautiful eyes.

            “I just need to know,” Raven blurted out.

            “You need to know what?” Abby moved closer.

            “I know you care about m-”

            “Love,” Abby cut her off. “I love you,” and finally Raven smiled.

            “I know you love me,” she corrected. “But I need for this to mean more, I mean be more,” she huffed at her sudden lack of vocabulary.

            “I’m confused, I thought we fixed things and were finally on the same page.”

            “We are but…” again she trailed off, took a deep breath, and tried again. “I need for this to mean more than just sex,” Abby’s worries evaporated and a smile crept up her mouth.

Raven didn’t notice because she was mid-freak out, “I just want to know that we have a future, beyond the next few hours.”

            “Few hours?” Abby teased. “You think that’s all it’s going to be,” she finished with a wink and Raven shuddered at the feeling that sent through her.

            “Okay well that sounds awesome,” she breathed out. “But I need-”

            “Raven,” again Abby cut her off, this time closing the distance between them so that they were now touching. “This already means more than just sex, and we’re not even there yet,” she looked up at the slightly taller girl and looked deep into her eyes. “You mean…” she licked her lips and Raven watched the action with bated breath. “You are just so important to me, I cherish every moment and I am so deeply in love with you,” before she could say anything else she was cut off by Raven’s lips and Abby pushed her own insecurities aside as she gave into the only thing that had felt right in a very long time.

She melted into Raven’s strong embrace and deepened the kiss. 

~

_“I don’t wanna use my mouth, don’t know how to spell it out, every time I try it sucks. I just wish you could open me up, and see all the confusion; and the love, the hurt, the wrong words I’m using.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and lyrics come from the song You Don’t Know My Heart.


	13. Just Give Me That Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y’all sorry for the wait. I got busy with my Faberry family here over the New Year’s weekend which was also when my beautiful fiancé became my wife. 
> 
> But here is the final chapter of this story that has been in my head since I first watched the show. I hope everyone enjoyed the story as much as I did writing it. Thank you all for the comments, kudos, and hits; they all mean the world to me.
> 
> And last but not least heed the rating on this one; it’s nsfw.

Raven leaned into Abby as the kiss deepened.

She moaned when Abby stroked her tongue with her own; she leant in so far that Abby had to take a step back- which in turn caused her to break the kiss.

            “I… we…” Raven was trying to think clearly, “We should talk about this,” Abby shook her head no and licked her lips. She could still feel the tingling where Raven’s had just been; she stepped impossibly closer.

            “J-Just touch me,” her voice was so deep and Raven was instantly turned on; not that she hadn’t been already. This time it was Abby who attacked Raven’s lips as soon as she got the words out; immediately sliding her tongue back into her mouth. Her hands were on Raven’s hips and she was backing them toward her couch, or chair… or any-fucking-thing.

Raven was lost. All thoughts of stopping, of talking, of thinking… it was all gone; replaced with pure desire.

She wanted Abby more than anything in her life; more than Finn, more than zero g certification, more than being on the ground. She just wanted anything and everything Abby had to offer.

With a grunt, she slid her arms around Abby waist and cupped her ass.

            “Oh fuck,” Abby moaned as she pulled away from her lips; Raven’s mouth moved to her neck where she knew she was going to leave a mark but at this point she didn’t care… she wanted this… she needed this.

She needed _her_.

Abby pulled the tie that was holding Raven’s hair up off, and then tangled her fingers in the silk smooth strands urging Raven on, and showing her just how wanted she was.

She let out a gasp when Raven lifted her up but she quickly recovered and wrapped her legs around Raven’s waist as they finally locked eyes again. Her voice was deep when she spoke and the tone made Abby wetter than she already was.

            “Bed,” was all she said and she lowered Abby back to her feet; both knowing Raven wouldn’t have been able to carry her there. Wordlessly Abby walked toward her bedroom because Abby’s quarters was meant for a family it was much bigger than Raven’s was.

Raven followed.

Abby stood at the door and allowed Raven to go in before her. Once the door was closed behind them Raven was on her again; she backed her into the closed door and was once again nipping at her neck.

            “Fuck Raven… I want you,” she husked. Raven pulled back and met her eyes; her confidence building.

            “Say it again,” her tone was husky and Abby could see the lust and love in her fully blown eyes.

            “I want you,” she repeated and then took Raven’s hand and placed it on center; over her pants. Raven almost snapped at how hot she was, “I want you to fuck me,” and then Raven did snap.

Her lips collided with Abby’s; it was all teeth and tongues as they yanked at each other’s clothes; but just as quickly as it had begun things slowed down again. Raven wanted to slow things down a little. As much as she would’ve liked to fuck Abby against the door; she needed this to mean more than a quick fuck.

She’d done that before.

Abby was different; and although Abby already told her it meant more she needed to feel it too.

She broke the kiss and stepped away so quickly it left Abby reeling and wondering why the kissing and touching had stopped. She opened her eye and focused on Raven; who was still there… only a few inches away but there was worry in her expression and her bottom lip was trembling.

            “What’s wrong?” Her tone was a mixture of worry and passion.

            “It’s just… I just… I want-”

            “Raven,” she cut off her stammering by cupping her cheeks with both hands. It was like she knew… somehow she always knew.

            “I know you’re nervous,” Raven nodded. “And I know this isn’t your first time or anything but honey, there is nothing to be nervous about.”

Raven nodded a few more times and then swallowed audibly, “It’s my first time be-being in love with someone,” she admitted and Abby grinned.

            “Well lucky for you I’m in love with you too and you’re so much more than some sexy girl that I am wildly attracted too,” Raven smirked. “Can’t you feel it?”

            “Yes,” she breathed heavily. “I’m just nervous, I’ve never done this with feelings before,” Abby arched her eyebrow at that. “Well I mean having the feelings before having the sex.”

            “It’s better… you’ll see,” Abby promised and then she gripped Raven’s hips and pulled her so close that their bodies became pressed together clad in only bra and panties. “After this, I probably won’t be able to keep my hands off of you.”

Raven arched one eyebrow, “Probably?” A smirk was playing on her lips as her worries faded away.

            “Most likely,” Abby amended and Raven chuckled. “But seriously, you mean so much more to me than just sex,” she bit her lip. “But I understand your nerves so if you want to stop-” she stopped talking because Raven was shaking her head no.

            “I don’t want to… I can’t stop,” she spoke honestly.

            “Yeah,” Abby cupped the back of her head. “I can’t either,” and then they were kissing again. Much slower this time; with the same amount of desire and passion but now they were taking their time… letting their feelings guide them rather than lust.

Abby walked them back to the bed and when Raven’s knees hit the edge she sat down. She leaned in and pressed a kiss to Abby’s toned stomach.

 _God this woman is gorgeous_ \- Raven thought as she peered up at Abby who was lightly caressing her hair and smiling down at her. She pressed another kiss and this time she kept her eyes on Abby and she saw her eyes flutter and close at the sensation. Raven could tell how turned on Abby was and she wanted to see… to touch… to taste but before she could actually do anything Abby was kneeling down in front of her.

Abby tentatively reached for her brace and waited to see how Raven would react; when she nodded Abby gently pulled the straps loose and then pulled the brace off lying it on the floor beside them.

Raven watched as Abby got back her feet and then she felt herself being slowly pushed back against the mattress and Abby was crawling over her.

            “I want you,” she hissed before she left a trail of kisses up Raven’s body, ending with her lips before she pulled away and sat up straddling her hips. She reached behind herself and unhooked her bra letting it fall to the floor. She kept her eyes on Raven’s and saw her eyes widen and her tongue dart out to wet her lips. Abby couldn’t remember the last time she felt so beautiful and so wanted. “I want to feel you Raven,” she added before she pushed Raven’s sports bra up; Raven helped by yanking it the rest of the way off.

            “Fuck, you’re so beautiful,” Abby told her as her eyes raked over toned, flawless skin; and beautiful, perky, full breasts.

            “Me?” Raven questioned, “Have you seen you?” Again Abby felt the flutter of butterflies that she hadn’t felt since she was Raven’s age.

            “You flatter me.”

            “I mean it,” Raven accentuated her point by sliding her hands up Abby’s back and watched as the woman shivered under her touch. “I can’t keep my eyes off of you…I didn’t even try… it’s been hard enough trying to keep my hands off of you,” Abby leant forward pressing their bare breasts together; a moan tumbled out of Raven’s mouth.

            “I want you Raven,” she repeated as it had seemingly become her mantra. She pressed a chaste kiss to those lips and then leaned close to her ear, “I want to taste you.”

            “Mmm,” Raven moaned as her body involuntarily shuddered and her hips bucked into Abby’s center.

            “I want to make you scream my name and then I want to hold you all night long.”

            “Abby,” Raven all but begged; she had never been this open… this vulnerable. She had never felt so alive and so utterly wanted; it was euphoric and Raven could suddenly see nothing but Abby.

And not just tonight, she wanted this feeling to last forever; and she knew it would… her earlier worries had evaporated.

            “I love you so much,” Raven blurted out and slightly embarrassed she pulled her bottom lip into her mouth and stared into Abby’s beautifully kind eyes; then watched as she nodded.

            “I love you too… so much,” she promised and then she brought their lips together again in a kiss that burned bright… with a white hot heat burning between their legs.

Suddenly and without preparation, Abby found herself on her back and Raven’s mouth was exploring her; leaving wet kisses on heated flesh. She pulled back to look at Abby’s incredible breasts before she lowered her mouth and sucked a hardened nipple into her mouth.

Abby’s back arched off the bed at the sensation, “Oh fuck,” she moaned and bit her lip trying to keep herself under control; they hadn’t even started yet.

            “I need to touch you Abby,” Raven whispered against her skin and Abby nodded wildly.

            “Please,” she begged and Raven moved up to kiss her lips. She leaned on her elbow to take the weight off of her leg and trailed her fingers down, around her nipple and then the other; skimming over her stomach and she stopped at the edge of her panties. “Raven,” she hummed as Raven’s lips went to her neck, and then her collarbone.

            “Hm?” Raven knew she was teasing but she literally couldn’t help herself. She looked back and met Abby’s lust filled gaze.

Abby didn’t say anything instead she covered Raven’s hand with her own and pushed them both under the waistband of her panties, over coarse hair and into a pool of wetness.

            “Fuck,” Raven moaned this time and Abby bit her lip.

            “See how much I want you?” Raven nodded wildly and Abby pulled her own hand out. She then raised her hand to Raven’s lips and trailed her wet fingers across her lips; Raven moaned again before she sucked the digits into her mouth, humming at the taste.

            “Mm… you taste good,” she licked her lips before bringing their lips together again while she slid her fingers back and forth through Abby’s wetness; driving her crazy with want. But when Raven deepened the kiss, and she tasted herself on Raven’s tongue her hips bucked and Raven was done teasing.

She couldn’t wait another second; she pulled away from Abby’s mouth because she wanted to see her. With their eyes locked she slowly pushed two fingers inside. Abby’s eyes rolled back and her head dropped back, exposing her neck.

Raven lowered her mouth and began leaving kisses there, “Fuck Abs you feel so good.”

            “So do you,” her eyes were on Raven’s again as she tangled her fingers of one hand into Raven’s hair while the other gripped her shoulder; leaving light indentations from blunt nails in Raven’s skin.

Raven didn’t care; Abby was so hot and tight around her fingers and she began working her up by thrusting faster and deeper with every stroke and Abby nearly screamed when she pressed her thumb against her clit and moved in slow circles.

            “Oh… oh, oh… fuck Raven,” she moaned wrapping the hand that had been in her hair around her neck and pulling her closer.       

            “What do you need baby?” Raven cooed in her ear before she began sucking on her earlobe.

            “Oh, oh… more… of… that,” she managed between her shaking as Raven continued to rub circles on her clit and once she began curling her fingers on every other stroke Abby reached the peak and her whole body tensed.

            “Oh my… oh Raven, fuuuck!” She came with a shout and her back was arched off the bed.

Once the first intense wave went through her she fell back to the bed, cupped Raven’s cheek and pulled her in for a fiery kiss that had Raven super close to coming too; and Abby hadn’t even really touched her yet.

As Abby calmed down and her heart rate returned to normal; Raven slowly slid her fingers out and wiped them on her leg. Her eyes caressed Abby’s body as she continued to shake through an aftershock.

            “Wow,” she finally said with a heavy breath and looked at Raven. “That was spectacular.”

            “Yeah?” Raven was feeling pretty proud of herself.

            “Yes… if this is what sex should feel like; we’re never leaving the room,” Raven laughed at that and Abby stared at her. “You think I’m kidding.”

            “Abby we can’t spend all day every day in here… we have jobs.”

            “I don’t care,” She shook her head. “I don’t know about you but that was my first time with a woman and let me tell you… you were fantastic.”

            “Well… I’ve never been with a woman either,” Raven told her.

            “In that case,” Abby managed to get her weak limbs to work as she pushed Raven onto her back; to which Raven went willingly. “Just wait,” she winked.

            “It won’t take long… I almost got off just watching you come,” the words caused Abby’s eyes to darken. “What?”

            “I just… wow I really like hearing you talk like that,” Abby admitted which had Raven blushing. “No don’t blush,” she trailed her fingers over Raven’s stomach and dipped her head. She circled her tongue around Raven’s nipple and she shuddered.

Abby pulled back, “Wow… you weren’t kidding.”

Raven shrugged, “It’s been a while and you and I have been dancing around this for a while now,” Abby could only agree. “So maybe I won’t be so easy the second time,” Abby giggled at that and pushed her fingers into Raven’s panties and through the wetness she found there.

            “God… you’re soaked,” she practically growled.

            “Told y-ohh,” her words turned into a moan when Abby slid two fingers deep inside her. “Fuck,” she hummed and Abby nodded.

            “Raven… I could really get used to this,” she was like a kid in a candy store and Raven giggled; but when Abby’s thumb grazed her clit she felt her orgasm already building. She dug her fingers into Abby’s back and bicep; which prompted Abby to move faster and harder.

Abby kissed her; it was messy and then she was sucking on her nipple again and that was all Raven could take. With all the sensations, her fingers inside of her, her thumb driving her to the edge, and her hot mouth sucking and biting her nipple; Raven tensed up and came with a shout of Abby’s name.

As Abby eased her down from her high and through the shaking she was looking deep into Raven’s eyes; it was so intense that Raven had to fight herself to keep the contact.

            “I love you,” Abby whispered as she pulled her fingers out.

            “I love you too.”

Abby grinned, “And I know this was meant to be romantic and everything but,” she blushed slightly but continued, “I really want to taste you,” she bit her lip and waited for Raven’s reaction.

Raven could only nod because what were words when the hottest woman on the ground says something like that?

 Within a beat Abby had moved down, tugged Raven’s panties off, and settled between her legs.

She was suddenly a bit nervous because she had never done this before; but the more she thought about it she decided that Raven had probably never had it done well before and she dove right it- so to speak.

She licked at the juncture of Raven’s leg and her core and then slowly moved closer to where she most wanted to be, at her first tentative lick she smiled and then closed her mouth around Raven’s clit.

When Raven’s hand landed in her hair she knew she was doing well.

For her part, Raven was trying hard not to buck her hips so hard she’d knock Abby off of her because that was literally the last things she wanted but god this felt good.

            “Oh my god Abs,” she said before a long moan. “You’re so good at that baby,” her hips were bucking a little until she felt Abby’s hand on her stomach to hold her still and then she felt Abby’s tongue slide into her and fuck… “Oh, Oh…. Oh th-that… keep,” and that was it for words if you could even call them that.

Her head fell back against the bed and she tightened her hold on Abby’s hair.

Abby didn’t mind as her fingers slipped over Raven’s clit where she began gently rubbing back and forth in time with the thrusts of her tongue and then Raven’s ass lifted off the bed slightly, despite her attempts to hold her down.

And she tugged Abby’s hair hard as she came.

Both women were catching their breath and Abby moved up to lay beside Raven pulling the blanket to cover their bodies.

When Raven could speak again she looked over at the amazing woman lying next to her with the smuggest grin she had ever seen.

But she deserved to be smug.

            “That was so… so…”

            “Fucking hot,” Abby said for her.

            “Yeah that,” Raven licked her lips and swallowed hard; her mouth was dry from all the screaming and moaning. “When I can feel my legs again, I’m sooo doing that to you.”

Abby laughed, “That’s fine baby… I can wait, we have all night.”

            “We have the rest of our lives,” Raven said sweetly and Abby resisted the urge to tease her because of how tough she normally was but she didn’t want Raven to be that way with her so she merely smiled wider.

            “We certainly do,” she gave her a peck on the lips. “But I’m not waiting that long,” and Raven laughed so hard she snorted.

Abby fell back to the bed feeling more content than she had in a long time.

/

Several hours and several more orgasms later they were cuddled in the bed. Abby was on her back and Raven was pressed against her side.

            “Worth the wait?”

            “So worth it,” Raven told her. “And I’m so sorry for being weird and awkward, and jealous… I should’ve known how you felt about me, it was pretty obvious.”

            “Right?” Abby laughed. “I mean the entire camp knew before we really even admitted it.”

            “I know,” Raven blushed at the thought.

            “But seriously Raven don’t apologize for all that other stuff, the nervousness was cute and the rest of it is in the past… all that matters is what happens from here.”

            “You’re right.”

            “I know,” Abby teased.

            “And everyone says I’m arrogant,” Raven leaned up and pressed a kiss to her smiling lips. A comfortable silence fell between them for a few beats but then Abby turned slightly so that she was able to look into Raven’s eyes.

            “Baby, there is something I want you to never forget.”

            “Okay,” she sounded slightly nervous but in a good way.

            “Even if we can’t find heaven here on the ground… I promise I’m always going to stand by you,” Abby told her and not for the first time or the last time; Raven swooned.

            “Oh I love you so much,” with that Raven pushed her onto her back and hovered over her.

            “I love you too Raven,” she winked and then Raven began kissing her way down Abby’s body. “Oooh… again?” She felt more than heard Raven nod and say yes.

This girl was insatiable.

But she wasn’t about to argue.

Maybe they did find heaven after all.

~

_“You make me speechless, you quiet my demons, so why don’t we hold tonight; and just kill me silently. I don’t need a reason, when you make me speechless, we’re getting loud tonight; we’re allowed tonight to be.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and lyrics come from the song Speechless.


End file.
